Enjoying Fall

Fall is in the air! Can you feel it? Are you as excited about it as I am? Even though winter is my favorite season, I do love fall. All the changes in the colors of the leaves shows me just how amazing God is. Here in the city area we don’t get a chance to really see the drastic color changes as much as you do when you are deeper into Northern California. All the rich golden yellows and oranges, the deep warm dark browns and the exquisite velvety wine colors are breath taking.

The air is allot cooler during the days, yet still warm enough to wear your tee-shirts. And the evenings are cool almost crisp feeling, just enough to pull out those soft comfy sweats and enjoy a soothing hot cup of tea.

I love seeing all the pumpkins and visiting the fall harvest festivals around the area. And Apple Hill is a must at this time of year. There you will find some of the best apple cider that exists and all the other apple goodies are such a treat.

My favorite part of fall… knowing that winter is right around the corner.

Where Oh Where Did I Go?

Some have wondered where I have been lately and wanting a new post; so here it is. I guess I have been deep in thought. Simply said, life sucks some times! It’s difficult finding where you belong while so many things are changing.

Change is uncomfortable; going from something that you know as well as the back of your hand to something that is awkwardly foreign. Not knowing who to trust, who is safe and who is not. Having to make choices, that will affect the rest of your life and not having a clue as to what to do. Not even an inkling of an idea can really drive a person crazy.

I feel like my hands are tied in many areas of my life right now, so I have come to the conclusion that I will let the chips fall where they may fall and I will see what happens when they reach the ground.

Meanwhile, I am continuing to work at growing my business and preparing for some big events that are still to come before the end of the year. I am moving forward with trying to be open to what God is showing me in my life and learning to rationalize the sad truth as to what is happening around me with what use to be.

Learning new habits and dieing to the old ones isn’t an easy task, but everyone keeps telling me that it is well worth it in the end. So I will keep pushing forward and see what lies ahead.

Set Me Free

I wouldn't change a thing

As some of you may know, I own my own business. I am self-employed as an Esthetician, I do facials. I guess some would call my shop a day spa, but seeing that they are a dime a dozen and I am trying really hard to get out of that stereo type, I like to say that my shop is a skin and body therapy center. I treat the issues that my clients have with their skin so that they may have younger more vibrant looking skin. Relaxation does play a part in it but it’s not the main reason I do facials or recommend them.

Now there are some people who would rave and cheer me on because I am my own boss. It definitely has advantages like, making your own days and hours that you work, you get to pick and chose who you want to work with as well as what type of clients you want to market to. You also get lots of perks on free services with other people in the industry and get the best of the best for skin care products! But there are down sides to owning your own business.

When something goes wrong, you are the boss. You have no one to help guide you through a sometimes difficult moment. You are only one person with only one brain and sometimes run out of creative ways to bring in new clients. And everything, bills, inventory, cleaning, learning, training, pampering, returning phone calls, booking appointments, marketing and the list goes
on… everything is on your shoulders. It can be very stressful at times.

I have had one of those days today! I am getting ready to hit the big time with my own signature line of products! 2c creations… the name came from 2 Corinthians 5:17, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! This is a story for another day. Anyway, it has been allot of fun working with a designer to help create the logo and working with the manufacturer to chose all the products and make sure that they have the best ingrediences. Now we are down to the final step, choosing the packaging. You would think this would be so simple, well; I am here to tell you that it is not! It has been quit the task. I have been at this all day today and not much progress has been made.

Over all I love what I do and am blessed to be my own boss, even on days I wish I didn’t have the responsibilities of owning a business. It is a blessing for me to serve each and every client with a humbled heart and teach them how to take care of their skin and give them a little special pampering just to help them feel better about who they are. In the end that is what it is all about for me; seeing the genuine smiles on peoples faces when they leave knowing that they feel better about who they are from when they first walked in. If given the opportunity to do something different; would I? NO… I wouldn’t change a thing!!

Night of prayer, continued

What an awesome evening at the new Mercy Ministry’s home! A friend of mine came with me and we left in plenty of time to get there just incase of traffic or if I got lost. Well, I got lost, again! We made it there just in the nick of time as the clock hit 6:30.

There were lots of people that came from all over the bay-area. There were men, women, pastors and even some teen-agers. We got to freely walk around even though there was lots of construction still going on. Some rooms had walls and windows and some didn’t. It is going to be a beautiful home when it is finished. Downstairs is the dinning area and huge kitchen; there is a sitting area in the middle and on the other side is the library. Back in the hallway, going to the left there are a few bedrooms and back down to the right are more bedrooms. It was like walking through a maze, there are rooms every where. Upstairs in the center is their chapel and more bedrooms to the right and even more beyond that. And on the other side there are more rooms which I believe are offices. This home is HUGE! There are 20 bedrooms which will hold 2 girls each and I don’t even remember how many bathrooms I counted.

We got a chance to write on the walls as we walked through the home; for they haven’t been painted yet. What an amazing experience that was for me. As I walked through the home I allowed God to direct me as to where He wanted me to write and what He wanted me to write. It was strange to walk into one room and not feel the need to write anything and then walk into another and have a gentle urge to write something. It was pretty cool when the words came to mind as to what to write.

Right before the evening ended, we all gathered in the foyer of the home and one of the women from Mercy Ministries had us pray as a group over the girls and the home it’s self. What a powerful pray it was. You could feel God’s presence in this building as she was praying. There were about 50 people or so and everyone was whispering out prayers of their own and in agreement with what she was saying. I can’t say it enough, how powerful this prayer was. Everyone’s voices echoing throughout the halls of this building; there was something very comforting about it. She not only prayed blessings and healings over the girls she denounced any evil that would try to come against the home, the girls, the workers, the volunteers and even the construction crew! It was amazing!

This is going to be a great adventure for me as well as many others and I am so thankful and blessed to be a part of something so amazingly huge from ground up!!! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement for me to move forward with this. There will be many more great things to come and other ways for all of you to help support Mercy Ministries.

Mercy Ministries night of prayer

Tonight there is going to be a prayer meeting at the new Mercy home in Lincoln. We are praying over the 700 girls names that are on a waiting list and over the home its self. Anyone wanting to join us, please link into the mercy link to the right to get the directions. If you can't make it, please remember this in prayer today.

Sorry that this is last minute. I will be post about the evening later tonight! Thanks for your support!

Self-Injury...part 3

Self-injury has been around for centuries but not until Princess Diana mentioned “hurting herself” in that now famous panorama interview, self injury has slowly become a topic of media interest.

However, this is far from an accurate portrayal of people who self-injure. The first thing to take into consideration is that self-injury is not usually the problem. It is a way for the person to deal with an underline issue. Several studies have found that approximately 4% of the general population admitted having self-injured. It is more common in people who have severe symptoms of anxiety or depression. Other personality characteristics common to self-injury include inability to handle or express emotions, perfectionism, severe mood swings and low self-esteem or poor body image. Misconceptions and an inability to understand often leave friends and family of the person not knowing how to deal with the problem.

This might sound like typical struggles that we all face from time to time, but when a person lacks healthy coping skills and relationships, he or she may resort to destructive behavior, seeing it as the only way to cope.

If you know someone who is a self-abuser, here are a few tips on how you can help: don’t treat them any different than anyone else you know. Remember they are in allot of emotional pain. Above all, the self-abuser needs support, listening, caring and positive affirmation. Criticism, blame, heavy-handed use of the word “sin”, fear or anger will push the sufferer deeper into the feelings they cannot deal with, and will further damage their sense of self-esteem.

It can be very tempting to initially listen to someone sharing about their self-abuse problem, and then immediately “jump-in” feeling we have the answer, or a word of scripture, or to stop listening and launch into prayer. Very often, self-injury is a response to not being listened to, either in the present or the past. One of the most effective ways of helping someone willing to deal with their self-abuse is to simply listen. For someone who is struggling with self-abuse, and the feelings of guilt and shame which very often accompany it, even prayer can feel threatening. They may feel too unworthy to even approach God, and in such a situation patience and sensitivity is needed.

If you are a self-abuser or are even thinking about it, I urge you to muster up the courage to find someone you feel safe with and trust and open up and start talking about it. There are people who have walked in these shoes and share your hurts and truly understand where you are.

A Friend

This is something I wrote about a year ago on an evening I was very lost in a very dark place. WARNING: Some my find this as a trigger, please be careful when reading this. If it becomes a trigger, leave the blog and come back when it is a safer time for you.


A sharp new blade to come to my aid
It sits and calls me by name
It only wants to comfort me not to betray me

I sit in the silence of this still dark chamber
With voices that accompany me
My heart is submerged in painful agony

Drowning alone with no mirage of hope in sight
Emotions running a muck all in spite of a fight
I tell myself to breathe but I just might ignite

Spinning out of control
Just wanting to stop its stroll
I swipe my finger across the sharp blade
Living behind a trail of blood
Like a prick from a rose bud

It’s profusely red and stains my lips
With it’s salty taste that rips through an eclipse
Adrenaline pumping on high while wanting to die
I begin to cry

This blade fits like a glove
To get rid of all of the above
Wanting to feel its razor sharp edge against my skin
Watching my skin tare open would make me spin
The warmth of my blood running down my arm
Could cause me great harm

There is a release as it oozes its way out
There are no more excuses for it refuses to remain
It is smeared with guilt and shame
Covered from head to toe with no one to blame

Sitting in a pool of blood to flood my soul
That’s my goal while deep in this hole
It is what will make me feel whole

I swear the scares I bare don’t deserve a prayer
But does anyone care
They say time heals all wounds
But the deal is to profound

I lay the blade to rest
Until the next quest
I bandage my arm so no need for alarm
And cover it with long sleeved charms

For tonight this excursion comes to an end
I sure could use a friend…

Self-Injury...part 2

Self-injury reduces physiological and psychological tension rapidly. Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed the act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don’t know how to handle it and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. This explains why self-injury can be so addictive: IT WORKS!!!!! Eventually, though, the negative consequences add up.

Many people who self-injure keep it a secrete because they feel like they are crazy, insane and /or evil. They fear if they tell anyone, they might be locked away forever. The truth is, people who intentionally harm themselves are in fact very normal and sane people, who are in allot of emotional pain. They self-injure as a way to cope, because they were probably never taught how to deal with intense feelings and emotions in healthy ways. Unfortunately, when people hear about this form of self-harm, they do tend to place labels on these people as being psychotic and crazy, which is why so many people do not come forward and ask for help. Until society dispels all the myths surrounding self-injury and start to educate themselves on this subject, sufferers will continue to keep quiet and this form of abuse will continue to be a secrete for a long time to come.

I have been self-abusing for many, many years in many different ways. I was never allowed to express negative emotions in my home growing up and when I did I was punished through being grounded, being told that I was a bad person or even heavy handed spanking. This form of punishment for vocalizing my emotions has followed me through most of my adult life, through verbal and physical abusive relationships with men as well as my friends.

When facing an extreme negative situation, not knowing how to handle it, I would turn to self-abuse. As a child, I would make myself physically ill, or scratch at my skin until it bled. As I got older, I would beat on myself until I had black and blue marks, I would cut my skin until there was blood, I have also burned objects into my flesh and I also binge eat to fill the voids in my
heart.

There are many different reasons that a person self-injurers, but for me most of the time it is because I felt as though I had been such a bad person and had made such horrible choices that I must pay the price, I must be punished. That is what has been programmed into my mind for many years. On occasion, I needed to feel alive or feel something other than the overwhelming hurt that I was drowning in.

I still struggle with the urges of cutting in an intense moment for it is an addiction and still fight with other self-injury mechanisms almost on a daily basis, but as I am learning who I am in Christ it is getting better! One of the very first Bible verses that I understood was: Isaiah 53:5, He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. Some days this is a reality, but there are still allot of days I have to dig for that mustard seed faith to stand on this promise. Some days I make it through and others days, as I am only human, I slip up and break down to the urges of self-injury. As I learn new healthy copping mechanisms and learn to fully trust God’s love, I believe that these urges will soon enough be behind me and I will finally have a victorious win all in the name of Jesus Christ and only for His glory!

Self-Injury...part 1

In my next few posts I will be talking about self-injury; what it is, what it is not and I will also be sharing some of my own personal experiences and writings about self-injury.

Self-injury is an epidemic in the US with teens as well as adults, in the secular world and even with Christians. It is an issue that needs to come out of the dark and needs to be addressed; I am living proof of these statistics.

Self-injury is the act of attempting to alter a mood state to deliberately cause harm to one’s own body. This is not a conscious attempt at suicide, though some people may see it that way. Most self-abusers are not suicidal; they are looking for a way out from their pain.

Here are a few ways that people self-injure:
· Cutting, the most common form of self-injury. It is achieved with knives, broken glass, razor blades, scissors, paper clips or any other sharp object.
· Burning or branding an object into the flesh
· Picking at old wounds and not allowing them to heal
· Hair pulling
· Extreme nail biting
· Hitting or beating on ones self
· Excessive tattooing may also be a kind of self-injury if pain or stress is a factor.


It is not self-abuse if the primary purpose is: sexual pleasure, body decoration, fitting in or being cool!

There have been numerous reports that many people who self-injure have a history of sexual abuse, physical and/or emotional abuse. Some may come from broken homes, alcoholic homes, have emotionally absent parents or where never allowed to show negative feelings growing up. Most people who self-injure are unable to handle intense feelings and are unable to express their emotions verbally. This is a copping mechanism as a way to express ones feelings and emotions and sometimes a way to punish oneself. It can also be a survival tool for not committing suicide.

You may be wondering why someone would intentionally harm themselves. Self-injury can help someone relieve intense feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt and other deep emotional pain. Many people who cut themselves, do this in an attempt to try and release all the emotions they are feeling internally. Others feel so numb, that seeing their own blood helps them feel alive because they usually feel so dead inside. Some people find that dealing with physical pain is easier than dealing with emotional pain. Self-injury is also used as a way to punish oneself. Some people carry a tremendous amount of shame and guilt and find the need to be punished for what they have done or endured in their lives.

You may also ask, aren’t people who deliberately cut or burn themselves psychotic? No more than people who drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka are! It’s a coping mechanism, just not one that is as understandable to most people and as accepted by society as alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, anorexia, bulimia, smoking cigarettes and other forms of problem avoidance are.

Self-injurers come from all walks of life and all economic brackets. They can be male or female; gay, straight or bi-sexual; have Ph.D’s, high school students or high school drop outs; rich or poor and can come from any country in the world. Some people who self-injure manage to function effectively in demanding jobs. Their ages range from early teens to early 60’s, maybe older and younger. In fact, the incidence of self-injury is about the same as that of eating disorders, but because it’s so highly stigmatized, most people hide their scars, burns and bruises carefully.

We aren’t born knowing how to express and cope with our emotions. We learn from everyone in our lives. One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation! They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feeling about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren’t allowed; they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. You can’t learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. How could you learn to cook if you’d never seen anyone work in a kitchen?

Now that we know a little about what self-injury is, in my next post we’ll take a closer look at what happens in the mind of a self-abuser and how the body reacts. I will also share a bit of own personal attachment to this issue.