Price of Admission: one step at a time

This weekend has been like an adventure at a spiritual amusement park with lots of rides filled with twists and turns and lessons filling in the gaps that have left me breathless!

While rushing by faces that are unknown to me; some flash their worldly riches and some as poor as dirt, some carrying handfuls of bags from their favorite stores and another sits on the side of the road shaving her legs with all her personal belongings by her side. People rushing from here to there; some with no worries and others have the world on their shoulders. I wonder where I fit into all this.

Finally a familiar face in the crowd; an old friend I haven’t seen in awhile. As we stood in the hot blazing sun, talking, he opened his heart and shared some of the struggles that he still has. For the first time I saw his heart as God would see him. He has come such a long way in this past year. God showed me just how human we all are and it is ok to be just me! This old friend was like a little brother to me and I know in my heart none of that has changed. There may be distance between us while we figure out who we are but God’s love has been woven between us and we will remain bother and sister as we are both children of God.

Today had a different twist to it, another turn on this adventure. I got a small glimpse as to the new paved road that is being prepared for me. It was also proven that if I am willing to step out of my comfort-zone and open my heart that many great things can come of that! I chose to take a chance and open my heart to someone new today (Michelle), and I believe that through God I have made a new friend!

After a long weekend at this amazing amusement park it was finally time to rest and fuel the physical body. We chose a unique little place called Monsoon Burgers. It was very clean, and the food was great! But what was better than all that was I was somewhere where I belonged, I was with my church family. For me, it was more than simply sharing a meal and simple fellowship. Even though I don’t remember anyone officially praying over our meal, I believe Christ was at the center of the table sharing a burger and fries with us!

If you’ve never been to this amazing park, I recommend you check it out; it’s worth every step you’ll take. The biggest lesson I’ve learned, God never promised success only an adventure… and what an adventure this weekend has been!

Lazy Summer Days

What ever happened to lazy summer days? I remember a time when the summer meant lounging around a pool or a lake with friends and family, basking in laziness. Enjoying doing nothing! What ever happened to those days?

Now days the summer seems to be just as busy as any other time of year. We rush around doing this and doing that, going here or going there, people demanding our time for one reason or another. There seems to be an never ending mound of laundry and house cleaning that always needs to be caught up on and trying to figure out what’s for dinner on an evening when it’s 90 degrees out and no breeze in sight. What did happen to the lazy days of summer?

I happened to catch a lazy summer day today! After an unusually long weekend, I was given the opportunity to bask in a little laziness. It gave me time to reflect on what God was trying to show me this weekend. I came to the conclusion that not everyone will understand my choices or even agree with my views and that is ok because I am learning that a life with God doesn’t always make sense. As I basked in the beauty of this new revelation, I began to see how many doors of opportunity where beginning to open for my past to be used for His glory!

This lazy summer day has reminded me that we all need to bask in laziness once in awhile and reflect on the lessons that God tries to teach us. I know today, taking the time to let the world pass me by has filled my heart with gratitude. Gratitude that God has opened my eyes and heart as to what He is doing in my life. It has begun to bring Philippians 4, full circle. When was the last time you took a summer day just to be lazy? Time is running out; the summer is coming to an end.

A New Beginning

I got a huge dose of reality tonight! I had the pleasure of going on an outing with a few members of my church family to hear a fabulous testimony, from a women from Australia, Bronwen Healy. It was in a familiar place; one which I use to call home. I saw allot of familiar faces and allot of new ones. Everything looked the same as it once did, and strangely enough it felt the same… nothing had changed! Or has it?

In this past week I have noticed a common thread on some of the blogs that I follow; friendships, reaching out to people who are falling through the cracks, fellowshipping and spreading God’s love in general. People can talk a good talk but it amazes me after all is said, how people just walk past others, even when knowing them, and are to caught up in their own lives or maybe because the other person doesn’t have what it takes to be part of their “click” and just passes them by like they are nothing. Sadly, I saw this tonight; I experienced it tonight. To read some of these blogs you would think these people are the most friendly and loving people, but in my prospective of what I saw and experienced was quite the opposite. People, I once knew, where friendly enough with their hellos but there body language and the look deep in their eyes told a very different story.

As I sat and listened to commentary for the evening, God showed me a view of reality that broke my heart. You see, just a few months back God placed me with a different church family. I trusted Him, so I thought. In the past few weeks, I have struggled with life and have fought trusting in this new family and thinking God made a mistake while still desperately missing my old familiar family. God clearly opened my eyes to truth; at least truth for me, that I am right where He wants me to be. He allowed me to feel the coldness, the eerie stillness of the air and showed me all the masks of betrayal and fakeness that many still wear.

As I sat there, a vision of an old warn rope braking, flashed in front of me. My heart broke and billions of tears fell from my eyes. The hurt was so painful and came from deep inside me; I wanted to scream! I knew that the time had come to cut the finale thread of the rope. Tonight I made the choice to say hello to goodbye.

Something has changed; me! This experience tonight has taught me allot about trusting God and where He puts me. It has also brought me to a different level on trusting my new church family as well as giving them a chance to allow them in my heart; I am home with my new church family. I have changed; I have grown and am now on a very different journey than the one I was on just a few months ago. I am heading towards a new beginning!

Philippians 4

I had a meeting last and was reminded that I (we) need to remember to always be grateful even in bad times. If your anything like me, being grateful and cheerful during a daunting time can be very difficult! And sometimes in these moments remembering what God has already blessed us with can be totally irrelevant. We read from Philippians 4:6,7,8 and 9 and this is what I got out of it.

I went into Philippians 4 and read the whole thing; someone once told me to not always take one or two verses and read just that, to read a bit before and after to get a bigger picture.

In the beginning of this it clearly states that God does not want His children to hold grudges against each other. We are to forgive each other. I know personally I have a bit of work a head of me on this one. It is hard to not hold a grudge with someone when they have deeply hurt you or betrayed you. But I also believe that if we don't try to control the situation and allow God to change our hearts we will be able to see the other person's heart.

4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! This really opened my eyes as to what Jason and Susan (my pastors!) are all about. I have witnessed them both celebrate God everyday and in everything they do. And they both are making it clear that they are on my side and working with me and not against me! This was big for me when I read it!

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. This part will take me time to learn the discipline that it takes before it becomes habit. It clearly is a battle in the mind! And it is about re-programming your mind; easier said than done…oops, did I just take control again??!!!

As for the rest, I do have allot to be grateful for. As I have said, I do have a roof over my head, I have plenty of food and don’t have to worry about going hungry, I have two of the best kids in the world… my dogs, I have a car that runs great, I have two of the most giving parents… even though there are strings attached, I have my own business… a life long dream, I have my health… which is a miracle in it’s self seeing how much I abuse it in every way possible, I have way more clothes than I need, I have nice things in my home, and best of all I have friends that truly care about me even when I can’t see it or except it they are still there for me! All of this is so easy to see and except when my thinking is clear! Oh I just thought of the most important thing I have over all this “stuff” is my salvation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess when I think about it on a heart level; I am very rich with blessings. Thank you for showing me this (Pastor Jason and Susan); as you know when I am in the negative for to long, I can get lost in a big pity party and all this great stuff goes out the window. And in away, I guess that is an insult to God for He has blessed me with all this stuff… wow! That was eye opening!

As I continue to ponder on this I believe I will be getting allot more out of this.

23Receive and experience the amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, deep, deep within yourselves.

BPD... Part 2

Symptoms:
These are the most common symptoms of bpd, there are many more symptoms and combinations of other disorders affiliated with bpd, in certain cases.

Everyone has problems with emotions and behaviors at times. But with a bpd, the problems are intensely severe, repeat over a long period of time and disrupt their life. They view themselves as fundamentally bad or unworthy; they may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty and have little idea who they are. This can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, jobs, friendships, gender identity and values. These symptoms may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone, especially when lacking in social support! Some of these common symptoms include:
· Intense emotions & mood swings
· Impulsive behaviors: substance abuse, binge eating, risky sex, impulsive shopping and self-injury
· Low self-worth
· A frantic fear of being alone (abandoned)
· Severe depression
· Loosing a sense of reality
· Rationalizing between false and real rejection


What Causes bpd?
People, who are faced with dealing with bpd, usually have endured some kind of childhood trauma such as physical and/or verbal abuse or neglect. People who develop bpd also have severe problems coping with anxiety or stress. Little more has been discovered at this time, as to what causes bpd.

Living with bpd can be a night-mare at times. It comes on like a vicious attack without warning. You can either slip off into a perfect lala-land where everything is grand or journey into a dark negative frame of mind where there is no light. There is no balance between the two; and at either end of the stick you are still left trying to rationalize reality.

You seem to always be defending your feelings and views, whether good or bad. And people are always telling you that you are in the extreme, black & white thinking; as though that changes anything. The negative, in the black, is the worst. For me it comes with allot of deep depression, confusion and sometimes anger. I can become so immobilized that I can’t get out of the house or even put a sentence together to ask for help. And it is quite scary when my thoughts trail into suicide, for I am not a suicidal person! It can become very lonely, because not allot of people understand and more don’t have the patience to help.

The very worst part of all this is when you try to reach out and people tell you it’s not that bad and dismiss it. Or they say things like: you’re choosing to stay in the negative; or you’re not trying hard enough. BPD is a real dysfunction that 3% of us live with on a daily basis. When people dismiss the hurt and pain that engulfs my world; it is as though they put no value to me as a person and my feelings and views are lower yet. It makes me feel as though there is something toxically wrong with me. And when I scream for help, I am serious about needing help but can’t always rationalize how to get the help!

I know that people who suffer with bpd can be a handful to have to deal with. We are people that will sit on your last nerve and try to push you away, but mean no harm and desperately want you to stay! If you know someone like me, but don’t fully understand bpd, I urge you to do your homework. There are many great websites with valuable information for you to learn from. When someone, like me, is reaching out in an out-of-the-box way, don’t let the screams fall upon deaf ears… reach back, if only to be there to give a hug or just to listen. When you recognize dangerous signs do what you have to do to help, the person may be blinded as to how to help themselves and you might just save a life! And if you are someone who has bpd, please know that you are not alone.

Life's Masquerade Party...

Is this a party that you will attend? All of the “in crowd" will be there; the popular and even not so popular. It’s said that the décor of the party will be way more than your wildest imagination can dream up! There will be plenty of party favors and prizes for the best and most outrages masks that exist. Live music with the biggest dance floor you’ve ever seen. Venders from all over the world will have handmade masks for sale for those who come with none or need more. It’s been said it’s a party of a life time, one not to be missed.

If attending, you’ll be sure to get your fill of lies and deceit. There will be games of illusions and mystical mirages that are sure to leave you in a world of confusion. Don’t forget to grab an extra gift box filled with empty dreams and meaningless words. Be sure to check out the extreme sports area; it’s sure to leave you breathless while the rug is being pulled out from under you! This party also has the most fantastic maze you’ll ever walk through; twits of frustration and turns of disappointments that will fill you to capacity with worthlessness and uselessness. There will also be plenty of back-stabbing to go around so no need to get pushy. With all the glitz and glamour of this party, you’ll be sure to leave feeling nothing less than shame and guilt as you carry out the many prizes of rejection and abandonment to sit so proudly on your shelves.

WARRNING: Once at this party, it’s difficult to find your way out, the exit doors mysteriously disappear. The masks are made with a special bonding solution and do much damage when removed. There are a limited amount of rescue missions if you meet the requirements and are lucky enough to fit into their box! But no need to worry, if you don’t meet the requirements and are left to fend for yourself, the party will become a life time of a masquerade ball with all the embellishments that deceit can carry.

Are you going to R.S.V.P for life’s masquerade party?

First Volunteer Meeting!!!

As some of you know, I am involved with an awesome ministry called Mercy Ministries. It is a home where girls between the ages of 13 and 28 can go and get their hurts, habits and hang-ups healed through the love of Christ. They have 3 homes in the United States housing a total of 90 young women at this time. The newest home will be in our back yard in Lincoln. The home will house 40 girls and there are more to be open in the next few years, throughout the United States. If you have never heard of them, check out their website, located at the right side of my blog under favorite links.

It was a crazy time trying to get to the meeting. I was running late but what else is new with me. I took “business” 80 when I should have taken interstate 80. Time was running short and needless to say it was a wild hair rising ride, in and out of traffic. I am sure my blood pressure hit the roof! This was a very important meeting for me, for my heart and soul is 100% with Mercy. These girls are my story. My heart was pounding, I was nervous and excited beyond words. I have been waiting over a year for this. Then I finally arrived, 15 minutes late, got lost inside this gigantic church and wondered if I would ever connect with this group of volunteers. And at last, I could breathe, there they were!! I joined the group as Selah, director of development, was sharing about the new home and what all is to come. It was a great meeting with a group of wonderful women who have a heart for these girls, as well. It was great to finally meet with Selah; we have talked on the phone a few times and shared a few emails. I will be visiting the girls at least once a month sharing tips on keeping their skin clear, basic hygiene habits, how to dress in style but keeping it modest and how to see the inner beauty God gave them. I also have a “stuffed-animal” ministry; each girl will have her own stuffed-animal to be her friend in the beginning of a scary journey. I had the best time picking out 40 different animals for each of the girls!!!

I won’t give out all the surprises in this post, but will let you know that on Tuesday September 9th, there is going to be a big prayer meeting over the home and the 700 girls that are on a waiting list. If you would like to come join us in Lincoln that night let me know and I will give you more details, but if you can’t make it please mark the date on your calendar and remember these girls and this home in your prayers that day!

Night Owl ~

My room is filled with the night silence; I can hear the freeway traffic from a distance. As I look at the time on the clock the ticking of the hands get louder as they echo in my head. I toss and turn trying to get comfortable, I am unsuccessful. Thoughts of the chores that lay in the days ahead fill my mind with a tangled web. I give up; I’ll fight this fight no more!

As I sit in the dark, I wonder what it is that God wants me to do. Does He have me awake for a reason? I try to find a hidden message in His word, but nothing is making much sense in the wee hours of this day. I try to pray but only find my mind is too cluttered with the stress that has me overwhelmed.

I am as child, needing to be safely nestled in my Father’s arms. Wrapped securely in His warm embrace, while engulfed in a love that surpasses my wildest imagination! Tenderly telling me stories as only He can and making all the stresses of life disappear. Wanting to ask a million questions, but nothing seems to come to mind. I am strangely soothed by the hush in the room, my eyes are finally heavy and I am in a comfort beyond words. As the day-light breaks through the night sky, I am gently rocked into a sound slumber sleep!

Finally, the end of a long exhausting day…

BPD; Borderline Personality Disorder

What is it? In the next few post I will be discussing what this disorder is, some of its symptoms and what it is like to live with bpd through my eyes and experiences. I am by no means a doctor or professional authority on this and if you recognize any of these symptoms or issues in your own life, please consult with your own doctor for a proper diagnosis. This is solely to help my friends to understand what this disorder is and what I personally deal with.

BPD is a disturbance of certain brain functions affecting the limbic system that controls emotions. Many people with bpd also deal with depression, severe mood swings, eating disorders and allot of times substance abuse as a means of trying to feel better or disconnect from their pain. Underneath all these symptoms is an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to rationalize; an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression.

Another area that bpd’s have great difficulties with is one’s self: “who am I?” It’s like a light switch being turned on and off with no warning: “one minute I have confidence and clarity and can accomplish much – the next minute I can’t do anything right to save my life and everyone is against me.” The one word that best characterizes the borderline condition is “instability” Their emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly for no discernible reason. Their thinking is unstable; rational and clear at times, and quite psychotic at other times.

There is a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, called “splitting.”

Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:

The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.

Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other.

Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently.

I have lived with this black and white thinking most of my adult life. At times it can be a living night-mare, especially when reaching out for help and comfort and others don’t understand where the gray area is in my prospective. In these moments, I can not rationalize the simplest of things to save my life. In the hidden spots of my heart I find hope in the fact the God will carry me through, for I can’t reach out myself, until I am able to see His bright light once again.

My First Step...Out

This is the first of many posts about the journey that I am on in life. This blog acts as an on-line journal for me to express myself and the struggles that are as road blocks sometimes blocking my journey. In this blog I hope to discover myself the way God sees me and the purpose He has for my life; in addition to maybe helping others with the same struggles along the way.

Here is the short version of my story. I was raised as a good little Christian girl, learning nothing more than religious rules. I became very rebellious by the time I reached my teens which followed me through adulthood. It’s always been about me and controlling my own life, which for me means freedom.

In this so called freedom, has come with allot of distortions. I have been in and out of so many physical and verbal abusive relationships, I have lost count. I have allowed people to manipulate me just to get their approval for so long; I am not sure what a normal healthy relationship looks like.

I struggle with bpd (borderline personality disorder), which is black and white thinking. All negative or all positive, there is no gray area in my thinking. I also deal with deep periods of depression which are brought on by the bpd at times. My escape, my copping mechanism is self injury. And tangled up with all this is the fact that I have been involved with witchcraft and new age beliefs.

After a very long year of struggling I finally turned my life over to Christ, as of October of 2007 with the support of two wonderful and important people by my side! I have come along way but still have such a long way to go. I have allot more good days than I have in a long time but still struggle with things that are very confusing to me.

Journaling has always helped me put things into perspective and has been a great way for me to communicate my emotions when I couldn’t verbally speak them. Even though, this is a somewhat new journey for me, I feel as though I am at a cross road. I definitely have the beginning of my testimony and I am moving towards the end of my testimony but seem too be stuck in the middle of this journey. Through these future posts, I will be sharing at least once a week the good, the bad and everything in the middle. I will be sharing what it is like to live with bpd and depression as well as my struggles with self injury as a Christian. I will also be sharing my growth in and with my King of Kings, Jesus Christ!

My prayer is that I do find the person God made me to be as well as helping others with their own personal struggles to know that they are not alone. And if you are someone who knows someone with any of these struggles, maybe it will help you better to help understand them. Please feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I hope that you will take this journey with me…