A new year is almost upon us. For some of us this means a new fresh start in many areas of life and sadly for others, it’s just another year of the same. For me, I think I am riding the fence on this one.
There are some areas of my life that will remain the same and will continue to be stagnant for quite some time in this New Year that is approaching fast upon me. Some things I am just not ready to deal with and other things I don’t yet have the tools to help work with to dig my way out.
Yet there are things that will change as the New Year rings in. There are many changes that will be taking place in my business, which I can only hope and pray that it will be for the better. I am cleaning out the physical clutter in my home, which is not only a healthy thing to do but also makes for a peaceful atmosphere to live in. I am continuing in walking through my recovery and working on continuing my relationship with Christ! I am also planning on making scheduled time to work on craft things, which I truly love, like my scrapbooks. And one very new thing I am going to include in this New Year is making time to "be still" and get reacquainted with who I am through Christ.
I am not making New Year resolutions for I am just like most everyone else in not keeping them for any length of time. I have come to the conclusion that all I have is today. I can’t always worry about what’s to come nor can I stress about what was when all I have is this very moment in time. For this New Year I will focus on what is today, where I should be today, what can I do today and live it moment by moment.
I hope you all have a grand New Year in whatever that is for you and we will continue this journey with a “new” out-look on 2009! See yea next year… same place, same time…
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
A Christmas Poem
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT.
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE -
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND.
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT.
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY.
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE.
I DROPPED T O MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HE ARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE.
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP.
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT;
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE,
ON THAT COLD DARK NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
This poem was written by a Marine.
The following is his request. I think it is reasonable.
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S.and Canadian service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT.
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE -
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND.
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT.
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY.
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE.
I DROPPED T O MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HE ARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE.
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP.
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT;
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE,
ON THAT COLD DARK NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
This poem was written by a Marine.
The following is his request. I think it is reasonable.
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S.and Canadian service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Merry, Merry CHRISTMAS...
This time of year brings allot of fond memories for allot of us, and unfortunately not so fond memories for others. Some of my fondest memories for the Christmas season include memories with my large family… mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins and more cousins. My mom, dad and I would do a big dinner on Christmas eve and usually attend our churches Christmas eve service and then drive through certain areas of the city (San Francisco) to admire all the beautifully decorated houses. Once we got home it was time for all the yummy desserts and time to open presents! Then on Christmas morning, I would rush out to the living room to see what “Santa” left me and then opened our stockings. Sometime after breakfast, we would head over to my aunts house and have a day full of fun family games, more food and all us cousins would sit around the fire and open more gifts.
It’s fascinating to me to hear all the different traditions that families have around the Christmas time. One that my mom and I had for a long time was shopping the weekend of Thanksgiving. We always took a long bus ride to the heart of downtown San Francisco and would shop all day until it got dark and then head back home, on the bus with all of our shopping bags. As I grew into an adult, work took presidents over shopping that weekend. Usually by Thanksgiving I had and have all my shopping done. Working in the malls six days a week through December, the last thing I wanted to do on my day off was go back into the mall to deal with the same people that I dealt with all week long.
I love baking! One of my favorite things to do during Christmas time is bake while listening to my favorite Christmas songs and in between watching all the favorite Christmas movies that are on t.v.! I also enjoy making soap to give as gifts to all my friends.
As I have gotten older, especially in the past few years Christmas seems to have changed… or maybe it’s me that has changed. People don’t say “Merry Christmas” to you any more, in fear that they might offend you. Instead they take Christ out of it and tell you happy holidays. You don’t see as much giving from the heart as in helping people in need, it’s more about rushing off to this party and then that party and all about materialistic gifts. It seems few people stop and slow down to truly reflect on what the Christmas season is really all about. Pastor Jason made a comment this Sunday about how the whole world is forced to think about Christ at this time of year. Regardless of their religion and beliefs they are forced to recognize the birth of Christ this one time, every year! I never looked at it that way, but it is very true.
What are some of your favorite memories or traditions? Are you in the rare majority that tells everyone Merry Christmas? Have you slowed down to reflect the real meaning of Christmas and what that means for you? I hope you take time this busy season and remember to breathe and what this holiday truly represents.
Merry, Merry Christmas to you all…
It’s fascinating to me to hear all the different traditions that families have around the Christmas time. One that my mom and I had for a long time was shopping the weekend of Thanksgiving. We always took a long bus ride to the heart of downtown San Francisco and would shop all day until it got dark and then head back home, on the bus with all of our shopping bags. As I grew into an adult, work took presidents over shopping that weekend. Usually by Thanksgiving I had and have all my shopping done. Working in the malls six days a week through December, the last thing I wanted to do on my day off was go back into the mall to deal with the same people that I dealt with all week long.
I love baking! One of my favorite things to do during Christmas time is bake while listening to my favorite Christmas songs and in between watching all the favorite Christmas movies that are on t.v.! I also enjoy making soap to give as gifts to all my friends.
As I have gotten older, especially in the past few years Christmas seems to have changed… or maybe it’s me that has changed. People don’t say “Merry Christmas” to you any more, in fear that they might offend you. Instead they take Christ out of it and tell you happy holidays. You don’t see as much giving from the heart as in helping people in need, it’s more about rushing off to this party and then that party and all about materialistic gifts. It seems few people stop and slow down to truly reflect on what the Christmas season is really all about. Pastor Jason made a comment this Sunday about how the whole world is forced to think about Christ at this time of year. Regardless of their religion and beliefs they are forced to recognize the birth of Christ this one time, every year! I never looked at it that way, but it is very true.
What are some of your favorite memories or traditions? Are you in the rare majority that tells everyone Merry Christmas? Have you slowed down to reflect the real meaning of Christmas and what that means for you? I hope you take time this busy season and remember to breathe and what this holiday truly represents.
Merry, Merry Christmas to you all…
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Disappointed through shattered trust
Trust is both important and a dangerous risk. It is important because it allows us to form relationships with others and to depend on others for support, for confidence, for advice, for help, for love and for hope. But since trust involves risk, it can also be dangerous in the sense of disappointment and hurt to all different degrees. What we risk while trusting is the loss of the things that we entrust to others like, our hearts, and our self-respect, to name just a couple, which can be shattered by the betrayal of our trust.
The Webster’s Concise Dictionary states trust as: a reliance on the integrity, veracity, or reliability of a person or thing. Something committed to one’s care for use or safe keeping. Confident expectation; hope. To commit to the care of another; entrust. To except hope, to believe. To depend upon; confide in.
Trust, to me, means that you place confidence in someone, to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises and confidences, to support your goals and dreams and not abandon you.
As we all know (this includes me) people are human, complex, frail, broken and sinful beings. Therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust in a relationship. I have heard it said that you need a “realistic” type of trust when you choose to trust someone; but what is a realistic type of trust? When I am asked to open my heart and trust others and I take that leap of faith, is it not realistic to except not to have the rug pulled out from under me?
Trust begins to build between people when there is a sense of honesty, respect and encouragement towards someone and in return there is a sense of acceptance and a reassurance to become vulnerable which builds self-esteem and alleviates fears of rejection.
For me personally, encouragement is the biggest part of the key for trust. I know that we all have gifts in different areas, but one of mine is to be in tuned with peoples feelings when they need simple support and encouragement to keep moving forward or a job well done. I am not perfect in this department and don’t always hit the mark when I should, but I do pretty good if I say so myself. But it is difficult for me not to loose trust when there is no support or encouragement for me, especially when it is needed the most and should have come from a very important circle of people in my life.
So what do I do when I want to trust, but every time I open my heart and take a step out to trust, it always ends up deceiving me? It makes me feel like I am not worth much and I feel foolish for trusting in the first place when I knew I would get hurt.
What does one do; you can’t live without trust but for me trust is a dangerous risk that usually spins me into a night-mare web of confusion. My strings that are attached to trust are wearing very thin and there aren’t many left. Over the weekend one more string was ripped from my core, leaving me disappointed and in despair, once again.
The Webster’s Concise Dictionary states trust as: a reliance on the integrity, veracity, or reliability of a person or thing. Something committed to one’s care for use or safe keeping. Confident expectation; hope. To commit to the care of another; entrust. To except hope, to believe. To depend upon; confide in.
Trust, to me, means that you place confidence in someone, to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises and confidences, to support your goals and dreams and not abandon you.
As we all know (this includes me) people are human, complex, frail, broken and sinful beings. Therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust in a relationship. I have heard it said that you need a “realistic” type of trust when you choose to trust someone; but what is a realistic type of trust? When I am asked to open my heart and trust others and I take that leap of faith, is it not realistic to except not to have the rug pulled out from under me?
Trust begins to build between people when there is a sense of honesty, respect and encouragement towards someone and in return there is a sense of acceptance and a reassurance to become vulnerable which builds self-esteem and alleviates fears of rejection.
For me personally, encouragement is the biggest part of the key for trust. I know that we all have gifts in different areas, but one of mine is to be in tuned with peoples feelings when they need simple support and encouragement to keep moving forward or a job well done. I am not perfect in this department and don’t always hit the mark when I should, but I do pretty good if I say so myself. But it is difficult for me not to loose trust when there is no support or encouragement for me, especially when it is needed the most and should have come from a very important circle of people in my life.
So what do I do when I want to trust, but every time I open my heart and take a step out to trust, it always ends up deceiving me? It makes me feel like I am not worth much and I feel foolish for trusting in the first place when I knew I would get hurt.
What does one do; you can’t live without trust but for me trust is a dangerous risk that usually spins me into a night-mare web of confusion. My strings that are attached to trust are wearing very thin and there aren’t many left. Over the weekend one more string was ripped from my core, leaving me disappointed and in despair, once again.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Silent Screams
Silent screams fill the frigid night air
Their level of pitch is piercing, so beware
Take yourself out of your square
You will become defended, I swear
Wide open spaces with pure air to breathe
Deep in the valley of doubt
I’m trying hard to shout it out
In the silhouettes of life
With motions of strife
Alone in a crowd
Drowning in the thundering silence
Wrapped in a shrouded cloud
Lost in this flock
But no one seems to be shocked
I reach for empty dreams
Only to find hidden schemes
Illusions of my hearts desires
To be filled with liars
Majestically walking through this reservation
Feeling the vibration of the temptation
While all along just wanting formation
Screeching screams in the distance as the sunrises
And the clock on the wall goes clockwise
I can’t believe I’ve been deceived by their disguises
Living in denial of these silent screams
Wanting to be in the mainstream
Yearning for acceptance and validation
I won’t settle for imitation
The realization of my desperation
Continues to fill the air with my silent screams
They are more than night-mare daydreams
Reality settles in my peculiar world
Tangled and swirled in all its worthlessness
Hoping it doesn’t turn to bitterness
Surrounded by the loudest silence I have ever heard
Plastered on a billboard for all the world to see
But there is no one to hear my plea
Is there such a thing as being free
Open your eyes and see
Open your ears and hear
The silence screams will become clear
And then you’ll know they are sincere
Their level of pitch is piercing, so beware
Take yourself out of your square
You will become defended, I swear
Wide open spaces with pure air to breathe
Deep in the valley of doubt
I’m trying hard to shout it out
In the silhouettes of life
With motions of strife
Alone in a crowd
Drowning in the thundering silence
Wrapped in a shrouded cloud
Lost in this flock
But no one seems to be shocked
I reach for empty dreams
Only to find hidden schemes
Illusions of my hearts desires
To be filled with liars
Majestically walking through this reservation
Feeling the vibration of the temptation
While all along just wanting formation
Screeching screams in the distance as the sunrises
And the clock on the wall goes clockwise
I can’t believe I’ve been deceived by their disguises
Living in denial of these silent screams
Wanting to be in the mainstream
Yearning for acceptance and validation
I won’t settle for imitation
The realization of my desperation
Continues to fill the air with my silent screams
They are more than night-mare daydreams
Reality settles in my peculiar world
Tangled and swirled in all its worthlessness
Hoping it doesn’t turn to bitterness
Surrounded by the loudest silence I have ever heard
Plastered on a billboard for all the world to see
But there is no one to hear my plea
Is there such a thing as being free
Open your eyes and see
Open your ears and hear
The silence screams will become clear
And then you’ll know they are sincere
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
People, Wake UP!!!
What makes people do the things they do; especially “so called” Christians?
This month has turned out to be busier than I had anticipated. All of life’s everyday things that we deal with; the day to day chores, laugh’s and struggles all piling up to create the next step of the journey. Sometimes the simplest of things can become so overwhelming, but not necessarily in a bad way!
As I have traveled through this month (the last few months), I have encountered some things that I have witnessed and/or heard that have made me ask: what makes people do the things they do? I am speaking mostly about Christians. Let me make it clear that I am NOT saying that Christians, or anyone else have to be perfect… after all there is no such thing! But aren’t Christians suppose to set a different type of example for people to follow? I won’t get to technical here, but if I am learning this correctly, we are suppose to act in kindness and love, speak in “truth” with a gentle spirit and not stir up strife. We are to love the unlovable, and try to reach the unreachable and not push them out of the way or treat them like they don’t matter or wash our hands of them when we are fed up because they aren't growing fast enough. We are also not suppose to allow our minds and tongues to linger in vulgar filth. Again, I know that we are all very human with limitations but some Christians don’t even try to live up to this, which is what is expected of us, as Christians. Some of these Christians are very quick to toss you out if you don’t fit in their click and/or judge very harshly. And some don’t think twice as to the filth that filters into their minds through books, movies and the internet and that is what usually seeps out from their tongues. It’s heart breaking!
I know in the past few months, as to what all I have encountered through “so called” Christians, is not the kind of Christian I want to be! I am far from perfect and am just learning these lessons, but my prayer is that I can become the type of Christian that truly represents who Christ is and to the best of my ability set the example the way it was always intended to be. I know, I know… God has his work cut out for Him where I am concerned, but NOTHING is impossible for Him!
As God continues to open my eyes and my heart as to the things that need to be changed in me to become this example, I will continue to pray for these “so called” Christians that God will open their eyes as to their faults and where they need to change in order to stop damaging others and the reputation of who Christ is.
What makes you do the things you do?
This month has turned out to be busier than I had anticipated. All of life’s everyday things that we deal with; the day to day chores, laugh’s and struggles all piling up to create the next step of the journey. Sometimes the simplest of things can become so overwhelming, but not necessarily in a bad way!
As I have traveled through this month (the last few months), I have encountered some things that I have witnessed and/or heard that have made me ask: what makes people do the things they do? I am speaking mostly about Christians. Let me make it clear that I am NOT saying that Christians, or anyone else have to be perfect… after all there is no such thing! But aren’t Christians suppose to set a different type of example for people to follow? I won’t get to technical here, but if I am learning this correctly, we are suppose to act in kindness and love, speak in “truth” with a gentle spirit and not stir up strife. We are to love the unlovable, and try to reach the unreachable and not push them out of the way or treat them like they don’t matter or wash our hands of them when we are fed up because they aren't growing fast enough. We are also not suppose to allow our minds and tongues to linger in vulgar filth. Again, I know that we are all very human with limitations but some Christians don’t even try to live up to this, which is what is expected of us, as Christians. Some of these Christians are very quick to toss you out if you don’t fit in their click and/or judge very harshly. And some don’t think twice as to the filth that filters into their minds through books, movies and the internet and that is what usually seeps out from their tongues. It’s heart breaking!
I know in the past few months, as to what all I have encountered through “so called” Christians, is not the kind of Christian I want to be! I am far from perfect and am just learning these lessons, but my prayer is that I can become the type of Christian that truly represents who Christ is and to the best of my ability set the example the way it was always intended to be. I know, I know… God has his work cut out for Him where I am concerned, but NOTHING is impossible for Him!
As God continues to open my eyes and my heart as to the things that need to be changed in me to become this example, I will continue to pray for these “so called” Christians that God will open their eyes as to their faults and where they need to change in order to stop damaging others and the reputation of who Christ is.
What makes you do the things you do?
Monday, November 3, 2008
Ticking Time-Bomb
Sorry for the time laps on posting anything new. These past couple of weeks have been unusually busy and haven’t left much time for anything extra.
As you obviously know I have taken on the task of putting together a series of posts on witchcraft. This has taken more time than expected to put all the information together in a way that you can understand it and get something out of it. As I have been working on these posts and doing a bit of research I have come across some interesting facts that I was not aware of myself. This is such a deep complex topic; one that is still very tangled in my own mind and belief system. It has created some confusion in my own thought process and I know it requires time in prayer for I am also aware that it will stir up spiritual warfare.
Because we are approaching the big holiday season, I need to stay focused on other things right now. As some of you may know I own my own business and this time of year is a make or break deal with the financial end of the business. I don’t have the time or energy to get deep into this topic and to fight a spiritual war; please forgive me. I do promise during this Christmas season to work on the series and will come back to it in January. It is an important topic that needs light shed on it and I do plan on doing just that.
In the mean time I will continue to post on other things as I make my way through to the end of this year. There are certain things that are going on that I can’t wait to share with all of you. Thank you for your patients and understanding.
As you obviously know I have taken on the task of putting together a series of posts on witchcraft. This has taken more time than expected to put all the information together in a way that you can understand it and get something out of it. As I have been working on these posts and doing a bit of research I have come across some interesting facts that I was not aware of myself. This is such a deep complex topic; one that is still very tangled in my own mind and belief system. It has created some confusion in my own thought process and I know it requires time in prayer for I am also aware that it will stir up spiritual warfare.
Because we are approaching the big holiday season, I need to stay focused on other things right now. As some of you may know I own my own business and this time of year is a make or break deal with the financial end of the business. I don’t have the time or energy to get deep into this topic and to fight a spiritual war; please forgive me. I do promise during this Christmas season to work on the series and will come back to it in January. It is an important topic that needs light shed on it and I do plan on doing just that.
In the mean time I will continue to post on other things as I make my way through to the end of this year. There are certain things that are going on that I can’t wait to share with all of you. Thank you for your patients and understanding.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Bewitching Hour is Approaching
What do you know about Wicca/Witchcraft? Are you sure that what you think you know is actual fact? Is it even important to know about wicca, witchcraft and other pagan beliefs? I am living proof that it does matter; it is important! I was introduced into this intriguing mystical world at the young age of 16. It has managed to weave its self in and out of my life over the years and I am now in gulped in the leftover wicked web that twists every ounce of truth that intertwines with my path.
Wicca, witchcraft and other pagan beliefs are becoming very popular within our society today and growing at a rapid speed; especially with our youth but also with adults. Where is the popularity coming from? A majority is coming from glitzy glamorous Hollywood. With all the “magical” movies and books, like Harry Potter; Hollywood makes witchcraft very enticing! After all, it’s just harmless fun; who wouldn't want to have the power to make all their dreams come true?
What is a Witch?
A witch is someone who practices witchcraft; this person can be male or female. Some witches claim to only do “good” magick… white-magick; while others claim to be into black-magick which entails putting hexes (curses) on others to cause them great harm. Some witches are actually Satanists, some are atheist, some are neo-pagans and some even claim to be Christians, to name a few.
What is Witchcraft?
Simply put, witchcraft is the use of spells and potions to create magick to make a change in something.It is the practice of sorcery, with some claiming to possess supernatural powers to manipulate a situation and the out come. On a biblical bases, witchcraft is rebellion. Witchcraft is not a religion but there are witches in some religions.
Witchcraft is impacting our entire world, today. And don’t be fooled that it is just harmless fun; it is very serious and even more dangerous. Once in its web, it is one of the hardest things to break free from! In this series of witchcraft blogs I will be exploring and exposing the darkness of not only witchcraft but also the wiccan belief. Along the way I will also be sharing some of my own experiences and views on this wicked topic. We will also be examining what the Bible (God) has to say about all this!
There is going to be allot of information for you to take into consideration. I am only person who has lived through the hold of witchcraft on my life and am still trying to allow God to untangle this web of lies. As we walk through this together I encourage you to do your own research and pray about the information that you read in this series.
Wicca, witchcraft and other pagan beliefs are becoming very popular within our society today and growing at a rapid speed; especially with our youth but also with adults. Where is the popularity coming from? A majority is coming from glitzy glamorous Hollywood. With all the “magical” movies and books, like Harry Potter; Hollywood makes witchcraft very enticing! After all, it’s just harmless fun; who wouldn't want to have the power to make all their dreams come true?
What is a Witch?
A witch is someone who practices witchcraft; this person can be male or female. Some witches claim to only do “good” magick… white-magick; while others claim to be into black-magick which entails putting hexes (curses) on others to cause them great harm. Some witches are actually Satanists, some are atheist, some are neo-pagans and some even claim to be Christians, to name a few.
What is Witchcraft?
Simply put, witchcraft is the use of spells and potions to create magick to make a change in something.It is the practice of sorcery, with some claiming to possess supernatural powers to manipulate a situation and the out come. On a biblical bases, witchcraft is rebellion. Witchcraft is not a religion but there are witches in some religions.
Witchcraft is impacting our entire world, today. And don’t be fooled that it is just harmless fun; it is very serious and even more dangerous. Once in its web, it is one of the hardest things to break free from! In this series of witchcraft blogs I will be exploring and exposing the darkness of not only witchcraft but also the wiccan belief. Along the way I will also be sharing some of my own experiences and views on this wicked topic. We will also be examining what the Bible (God) has to say about all this!
There is going to be allot of information for you to take into consideration. I am only person who has lived through the hold of witchcraft on my life and am still trying to allow God to untangle this web of lies. As we walk through this together I encourage you to do your own research and pray about the information that you read in this series.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
More to Come
Hi all, just letting you know that I am taking a week or so off from blogging. This has been a very busy week for me, getting things cleaned up and fixed up for out of town guest next week. But I didn't want to leave you hanging; for those of you who check in regularly (even though you don't leave a reply > haha)!
Check back at the end of next week, I will be starting a new series on witchcraft. YES, you read correctly, witchcraft. It promises to be educational and very eye opening. You won't want to miss it. It will have information in it that may save your life.
Have a great week and I will get back to ya' all real soon!!!
Check back at the end of next week, I will be starting a new series on witchcraft. YES, you read correctly, witchcraft. It promises to be educational and very eye opening. You won't want to miss it. It will have information in it that may save your life.
Have a great week and I will get back to ya' all real soon!!!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
A Pastor With Guts...
Someone sent this to me and I thought it was worth passing on to all of you:
Thought you might enjoy this interesting
Prayer given in Kansas at
The opening session of their Senate. It seems
Prayer still upsets some
People. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
The new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual
generalities, but this is what they heard:
Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask
Your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
Guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those
Who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we
Have done.
We have lost our spiritual equi librium and reversed
our values.
We have exploited the poor and called it
The lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it
Welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it
Choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it
Justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our
Children and called it building self esteem..
We have abused power and called it
Politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions
And called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and
Pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values
Of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts
Today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
Amen!
The response was immediate. A number of
Legislators walked out during the prayer in
Protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
Responding negatively. The church is now receiving
International requests for copies of this prayer
From India , Africa and Korea .
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on
His radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,'and
Received a larger response to this program than any
Other he has ever aired.
With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep
Over our nation and wholeheartedly become our
Desire so that we again can be called 'one nation
Under God.'
If possible, please pass this prayer on to
Your friends. 'If you don't stand for something,
You will fall for everything.'
Think about this: If you forward this
Prayer to everyone on your
E-mail list, in less than 30 days it would be
Heard by the world.
How many people in your address book will
Not receive this prayer.....do you have the guts to pass it on?
Thought you might enjoy this interesting
Prayer given in Kansas at
The opening session of their Senate. It seems
Prayer still upsets some
People. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
The new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual
generalities, but this is what they heard:
Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask
Your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
Guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those
Who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we
Have done.
We have lost our spiritual equi librium and reversed
our values.
We have exploited the poor and called it
The lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it
Welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it
Choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it
Justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our
Children and called it building self esteem..
We have abused power and called it
Politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions
And called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and
Pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values
Of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts
Today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
Amen!
The response was immediate. A number of
Legislators walked out during the prayer in
Protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
Responding negatively. The church is now receiving
International requests for copies of this prayer
From India , Africa and Korea .
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on
His radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,'and
Received a larger response to this program than any
Other he has ever aired.
With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep
Over our nation and wholeheartedly become our
Desire so that we again can be called 'one nation
Under God.'
If possible, please pass this prayer on to
Your friends. 'If you don't stand for something,
You will fall for everything.'
Think about this: If you forward this
Prayer to everyone on your
E-mail list, in less than 30 days it would be
Heard by the world.
How many people in your address book will
Not receive this prayer.....do you have the guts to pass it on?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Enjoying Fall
Fall is in the air! Can you feel it? Are you as excited about it as I am? Even though winter is my favorite season, I do love fall. All the changes in the colors of the leaves shows me just how amazing God is. Here in the city area we don’t get a chance to really see the drastic color changes as much as you do when you are deeper into Northern California. All the rich golden yellows and oranges, the deep warm dark browns and the exquisite velvety wine colors are breath taking.
The air is allot cooler during the days, yet still warm enough to wear your tee-shirts. And the evenings are cool almost crisp feeling, just enough to pull out those soft comfy sweats and enjoy a soothing hot cup of tea.
I love seeing all the pumpkins and visiting the fall harvest festivals around the area. And Apple Hill is a must at this time of year. There you will find some of the best apple cider that exists and all the other apple goodies are such a treat.
My favorite part of fall… knowing that winter is right around the corner.
The air is allot cooler during the days, yet still warm enough to wear your tee-shirts. And the evenings are cool almost crisp feeling, just enough to pull out those soft comfy sweats and enjoy a soothing hot cup of tea.
I love seeing all the pumpkins and visiting the fall harvest festivals around the area. And Apple Hill is a must at this time of year. There you will find some of the best apple cider that exists and all the other apple goodies are such a treat.
My favorite part of fall… knowing that winter is right around the corner.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Where Oh Where Did I Go?
Some have wondered where I have been lately and wanting a new post; so here it is. I guess I have been deep in thought. Simply said, life sucks some times! It’s difficult finding where you belong while so many things are changing.
Change is uncomfortable; going from something that you know as well as the back of your hand to something that is awkwardly foreign. Not knowing who to trust, who is safe and who is not. Having to make choices, that will affect the rest of your life and not having a clue as to what to do. Not even an inkling of an idea can really drive a person crazy.
I feel like my hands are tied in many areas of my life right now, so I have come to the conclusion that I will let the chips fall where they may fall and I will see what happens when they reach the ground.
Meanwhile, I am continuing to work at growing my business and preparing for some big events that are still to come before the end of the year. I am moving forward with trying to be open to what God is showing me in my life and learning to rationalize the sad truth as to what is happening around me with what use to be.
Learning new habits and dieing to the old ones isn’t an easy task, but everyone keeps telling me that it is well worth it in the end. So I will keep pushing forward and see what lies ahead.
Change is uncomfortable; going from something that you know as well as the back of your hand to something that is awkwardly foreign. Not knowing who to trust, who is safe and who is not. Having to make choices, that will affect the rest of your life and not having a clue as to what to do. Not even an inkling of an idea can really drive a person crazy.
I feel like my hands are tied in many areas of my life right now, so I have come to the conclusion that I will let the chips fall where they may fall and I will see what happens when they reach the ground.
Meanwhile, I am continuing to work at growing my business and preparing for some big events that are still to come before the end of the year. I am moving forward with trying to be open to what God is showing me in my life and learning to rationalize the sad truth as to what is happening around me with what use to be.
Learning new habits and dieing to the old ones isn’t an easy task, but everyone keeps telling me that it is well worth it in the end. So I will keep pushing forward and see what lies ahead.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I wouldn't change a thing
As some of you may know, I own my own business. I am self-employed as an Esthetician, I do facials. I guess some would call my shop a day spa, but seeing that they are a dime a dozen and I am trying really hard to get out of that stereo type, I like to say that my shop is a skin and body therapy center. I treat the issues that my clients have with their skin so that they may have younger more vibrant looking skin. Relaxation does play a part in it but it’s not the main reason I do facials or recommend them.
Now there are some people who would rave and cheer me on because I am my own boss. It definitely has advantages like, making your own days and hours that you work, you get to pick and chose who you want to work with as well as what type of clients you want to market to. You also get lots of perks on free services with other people in the industry and get the best of the best for skin care products! But there are down sides to owning your own business.
When something goes wrong, you are the boss. You have no one to help guide you through a sometimes difficult moment. You are only one person with only one brain and sometimes run out of creative ways to bring in new clients. And everything, bills, inventory, cleaning, learning, training, pampering, returning phone calls, booking appointments, marketing and the list goes
on… everything is on your shoulders. It can be very stressful at times.
I have had one of those days today! I am getting ready to hit the big time with my own signature line of products! 2c creations… the name came from 2 Corinthians 5:17, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! This is a story for another day. Anyway, it has been allot of fun working with a designer to help create the logo and working with the manufacturer to chose all the products and make sure that they have the best ingrediences. Now we are down to the final step, choosing the packaging. You would think this would be so simple, well; I am here to tell you that it is not! It has been quit the task. I have been at this all day today and not much progress has been made.
Over all I love what I do and am blessed to be my own boss, even on days I wish I didn’t have the responsibilities of owning a business. It is a blessing for me to serve each and every client with a humbled heart and teach them how to take care of their skin and give them a little special pampering just to help them feel better about who they are. In the end that is what it is all about for me; seeing the genuine smiles on peoples faces when they leave knowing that they feel better about who they are from when they first walked in. If given the opportunity to do something different; would I? NO… I wouldn’t change a thing!!
Now there are some people who would rave and cheer me on because I am my own boss. It definitely has advantages like, making your own days and hours that you work, you get to pick and chose who you want to work with as well as what type of clients you want to market to. You also get lots of perks on free services with other people in the industry and get the best of the best for skin care products! But there are down sides to owning your own business.
When something goes wrong, you are the boss. You have no one to help guide you through a sometimes difficult moment. You are only one person with only one brain and sometimes run out of creative ways to bring in new clients. And everything, bills, inventory, cleaning, learning, training, pampering, returning phone calls, booking appointments, marketing and the list goes
on… everything is on your shoulders. It can be very stressful at times.
I have had one of those days today! I am getting ready to hit the big time with my own signature line of products! 2c creations… the name came from 2 Corinthians 5:17, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! This is a story for another day. Anyway, it has been allot of fun working with a designer to help create the logo and working with the manufacturer to chose all the products and make sure that they have the best ingrediences. Now we are down to the final step, choosing the packaging. You would think this would be so simple, well; I am here to tell you that it is not! It has been quit the task. I have been at this all day today and not much progress has been made.
Over all I love what I do and am blessed to be my own boss, even on days I wish I didn’t have the responsibilities of owning a business. It is a blessing for me to serve each and every client with a humbled heart and teach them how to take care of their skin and give them a little special pampering just to help them feel better about who they are. In the end that is what it is all about for me; seeing the genuine smiles on peoples faces when they leave knowing that they feel better about who they are from when they first walked in. If given the opportunity to do something different; would I? NO… I wouldn’t change a thing!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Night of prayer, continued
What an awesome evening at the new Mercy Ministry’s home! A friend of mine came with me and we left in plenty of time to get there just incase of traffic or if I got lost. Well, I got lost, again! We made it there just in the nick of time as the clock hit 6:30.
There were lots of people that came from all over the bay-area. There were men, women, pastors and even some teen-agers. We got to freely walk around even though there was lots of construction still going on. Some rooms had walls and windows and some didn’t. It is going to be a beautiful home when it is finished. Downstairs is the dinning area and huge kitchen; there is a sitting area in the middle and on the other side is the library. Back in the hallway, going to the left there are a few bedrooms and back down to the right are more bedrooms. It was like walking through a maze, there are rooms every where. Upstairs in the center is their chapel and more bedrooms to the right and even more beyond that. And on the other side there are more rooms which I believe are offices. This home is HUGE! There are 20 bedrooms which will hold 2 girls each and I don’t even remember how many bathrooms I counted.
We got a chance to write on the walls as we walked through the home; for they haven’t been painted yet. What an amazing experience that was for me. As I walked through the home I allowed God to direct me as to where He wanted me to write and what He wanted me to write. It was strange to walk into one room and not feel the need to write anything and then walk into another and have a gentle urge to write something. It was pretty cool when the words came to mind as to what to write.
Right before the evening ended, we all gathered in the foyer of the home and one of the women from Mercy Ministries had us pray as a group over the girls and the home it’s self. What a powerful pray it was. You could feel God’s presence in this building as she was praying. There were about 50 people or so and everyone was whispering out prayers of their own and in agreement with what she was saying. I can’t say it enough, how powerful this prayer was. Everyone’s voices echoing throughout the halls of this building; there was something very comforting about it. She not only prayed blessings and healings over the girls she denounced any evil that would try to come against the home, the girls, the workers, the volunteers and even the construction crew! It was amazing!
This is going to be a great adventure for me as well as many others and I am so thankful and blessed to be a part of something so amazingly huge from ground up!!! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement for me to move forward with this. There will be many more great things to come and other ways for all of you to help support Mercy Ministries.
There were lots of people that came from all over the bay-area. There were men, women, pastors and even some teen-agers. We got to freely walk around even though there was lots of construction still going on. Some rooms had walls and windows and some didn’t. It is going to be a beautiful home when it is finished. Downstairs is the dinning area and huge kitchen; there is a sitting area in the middle and on the other side is the library. Back in the hallway, going to the left there are a few bedrooms and back down to the right are more bedrooms. It was like walking through a maze, there are rooms every where. Upstairs in the center is their chapel and more bedrooms to the right and even more beyond that. And on the other side there are more rooms which I believe are offices. This home is HUGE! There are 20 bedrooms which will hold 2 girls each and I don’t even remember how many bathrooms I counted.
We got a chance to write on the walls as we walked through the home; for they haven’t been painted yet. What an amazing experience that was for me. As I walked through the home I allowed God to direct me as to where He wanted me to write and what He wanted me to write. It was strange to walk into one room and not feel the need to write anything and then walk into another and have a gentle urge to write something. It was pretty cool when the words came to mind as to what to write.
Right before the evening ended, we all gathered in the foyer of the home and one of the women from Mercy Ministries had us pray as a group over the girls and the home it’s self. What a powerful pray it was. You could feel God’s presence in this building as she was praying. There were about 50 people or so and everyone was whispering out prayers of their own and in agreement with what she was saying. I can’t say it enough, how powerful this prayer was. Everyone’s voices echoing throughout the halls of this building; there was something very comforting about it. She not only prayed blessings and healings over the girls she denounced any evil that would try to come against the home, the girls, the workers, the volunteers and even the construction crew! It was amazing!
This is going to be a great adventure for me as well as many others and I am so thankful and blessed to be a part of something so amazingly huge from ground up!!! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement for me to move forward with this. There will be many more great things to come and other ways for all of you to help support Mercy Ministries.
Mercy Ministries night of prayer
Tonight there is going to be a prayer meeting at the new Mercy home in Lincoln. We are praying over the 700 girls names that are on a waiting list and over the home its self. Anyone wanting to join us, please link into the mercy link to the right to get the directions. If you can't make it, please remember this in prayer today.
Sorry that this is last minute. I will be post about the evening later tonight! Thanks for your support!
Sorry that this is last minute. I will be post about the evening later tonight! Thanks for your support!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Self-Injury...part 3
Self-injury has been around for centuries but not until Princess Diana mentioned “hurting herself” in that now famous panorama interview, self injury has slowly become a topic of media interest.
However, this is far from an accurate portrayal of people who self-injure. The first thing to take into consideration is that self-injury is not usually the problem. It is a way for the person to deal with an underline issue. Several studies have found that approximately 4% of the general population admitted having self-injured. It is more common in people who have severe symptoms of anxiety or depression. Other personality characteristics common to self-injury include inability to handle or express emotions, perfectionism, severe mood swings and low self-esteem or poor body image. Misconceptions and an inability to understand often leave friends and family of the person not knowing how to deal with the problem.
This might sound like typical struggles that we all face from time to time, but when a person lacks healthy coping skills and relationships, he or she may resort to destructive behavior, seeing it as the only way to cope.
If you know someone who is a self-abuser, here are a few tips on how you can help: don’t treat them any different than anyone else you know. Remember they are in allot of emotional pain. Above all, the self-abuser needs support, listening, caring and positive affirmation. Criticism, blame, heavy-handed use of the word “sin”, fear or anger will push the sufferer deeper into the feelings they cannot deal with, and will further damage their sense of self-esteem.
It can be very tempting to initially listen to someone sharing about their self-abuse problem, and then immediately “jump-in” feeling we have the answer, or a word of scripture, or to stop listening and launch into prayer. Very often, self-injury is a response to not being listened to, either in the present or the past. One of the most effective ways of helping someone willing to deal with their self-abuse is to simply listen. For someone who is struggling with self-abuse, and the feelings of guilt and shame which very often accompany it, even prayer can feel threatening. They may feel too unworthy to even approach God, and in such a situation patience and sensitivity is needed.
If you are a self-abuser or are even thinking about it, I urge you to muster up the courage to find someone you feel safe with and trust and open up and start talking about it. There are people who have walked in these shoes and share your hurts and truly understand where you are.
However, this is far from an accurate portrayal of people who self-injure. The first thing to take into consideration is that self-injury is not usually the problem. It is a way for the person to deal with an underline issue. Several studies have found that approximately 4% of the general population admitted having self-injured. It is more common in people who have severe symptoms of anxiety or depression. Other personality characteristics common to self-injury include inability to handle or express emotions, perfectionism, severe mood swings and low self-esteem or poor body image. Misconceptions and an inability to understand often leave friends and family of the person not knowing how to deal with the problem.
This might sound like typical struggles that we all face from time to time, but when a person lacks healthy coping skills and relationships, he or she may resort to destructive behavior, seeing it as the only way to cope.
If you know someone who is a self-abuser, here are a few tips on how you can help: don’t treat them any different than anyone else you know. Remember they are in allot of emotional pain. Above all, the self-abuser needs support, listening, caring and positive affirmation. Criticism, blame, heavy-handed use of the word “sin”, fear or anger will push the sufferer deeper into the feelings they cannot deal with, and will further damage their sense of self-esteem.
It can be very tempting to initially listen to someone sharing about their self-abuse problem, and then immediately “jump-in” feeling we have the answer, or a word of scripture, or to stop listening and launch into prayer. Very often, self-injury is a response to not being listened to, either in the present or the past. One of the most effective ways of helping someone willing to deal with their self-abuse is to simply listen. For someone who is struggling with self-abuse, and the feelings of guilt and shame which very often accompany it, even prayer can feel threatening. They may feel too unworthy to even approach God, and in such a situation patience and sensitivity is needed.
If you are a self-abuser or are even thinking about it, I urge you to muster up the courage to find someone you feel safe with and trust and open up and start talking about it. There are people who have walked in these shoes and share your hurts and truly understand where you are.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
A Friend
This is something I wrote about a year ago on an evening I was very lost in a very dark place. WARNING: Some my find this as a trigger, please be careful when reading this. If it becomes a trigger, leave the blog and come back when it is a safer time for you.
A sharp new blade to come to my aid
It sits and calls me by name
It only wants to comfort me not to betray me
I sit in the silence of this still dark chamber
With voices that accompany me
My heart is submerged in painful agony
Drowning alone with no mirage of hope in sight
Emotions running a muck all in spite of a fight
I tell myself to breathe but I just might ignite
Spinning out of control
Just wanting to stop its stroll
I swipe my finger across the sharp blade
Living behind a trail of blood
Like a prick from a rose bud
It’s profusely red and stains my lips
With it’s salty taste that rips through an eclipse
Adrenaline pumping on high while wanting to die
I begin to cry
This blade fits like a glove
To get rid of all of the above
Wanting to feel its razor sharp edge against my skin
Watching my skin tare open would make me spin
The warmth of my blood running down my arm
Could cause me great harm
There is a release as it oozes its way out
There are no more excuses for it refuses to remain
It is smeared with guilt and shame
Covered from head to toe with no one to blame
Sitting in a pool of blood to flood my soul
That’s my goal while deep in this hole
It is what will make me feel whole
I swear the scares I bare don’t deserve a prayer
But does anyone care
They say time heals all wounds
But the deal is to profound
I lay the blade to rest
Until the next quest
I bandage my arm so no need for alarm
And cover it with long sleeved charms
For tonight this excursion comes to an end
I sure could use a friend…
A sharp new blade to come to my aid
It sits and calls me by name
It only wants to comfort me not to betray me
I sit in the silence of this still dark chamber
With voices that accompany me
My heart is submerged in painful agony
Drowning alone with no mirage of hope in sight
Emotions running a muck all in spite of a fight
I tell myself to breathe but I just might ignite
Spinning out of control
Just wanting to stop its stroll
I swipe my finger across the sharp blade
Living behind a trail of blood
Like a prick from a rose bud
It’s profusely red and stains my lips
With it’s salty taste that rips through an eclipse
Adrenaline pumping on high while wanting to die
I begin to cry
This blade fits like a glove
To get rid of all of the above
Wanting to feel its razor sharp edge against my skin
Watching my skin tare open would make me spin
The warmth of my blood running down my arm
Could cause me great harm
There is a release as it oozes its way out
There are no more excuses for it refuses to remain
It is smeared with guilt and shame
Covered from head to toe with no one to blame
Sitting in a pool of blood to flood my soul
That’s my goal while deep in this hole
It is what will make me feel whole
I swear the scares I bare don’t deserve a prayer
But does anyone care
They say time heals all wounds
But the deal is to profound
I lay the blade to rest
Until the next quest
I bandage my arm so no need for alarm
And cover it with long sleeved charms
For tonight this excursion comes to an end
I sure could use a friend…
Self-Injury...part 2
Self-injury reduces physiological and psychological tension rapidly. Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed the act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don’t know how to handle it and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. This explains why self-injury can be so addictive: IT WORKS!!!!! Eventually, though, the negative consequences add up.
Many people who self-injure keep it a secrete because they feel like they are crazy, insane and /or evil. They fear if they tell anyone, they might be locked away forever. The truth is, people who intentionally harm themselves are in fact very normal and sane people, who are in allot of emotional pain. They self-injure as a way to cope, because they were probably never taught how to deal with intense feelings and emotions in healthy ways. Unfortunately, when people hear about this form of self-harm, they do tend to place labels on these people as being psychotic and crazy, which is why so many people do not come forward and ask for help. Until society dispels all the myths surrounding self-injury and start to educate themselves on this subject, sufferers will continue to keep quiet and this form of abuse will continue to be a secrete for a long time to come.
I have been self-abusing for many, many years in many different ways. I was never allowed to express negative emotions in my home growing up and when I did I was punished through being grounded, being told that I was a bad person or even heavy handed spanking. This form of punishment for vocalizing my emotions has followed me through most of my adult life, through verbal and physical abusive relationships with men as well as my friends.
When facing an extreme negative situation, not knowing how to handle it, I would turn to self-abuse. As a child, I would make myself physically ill, or scratch at my skin until it bled. As I got older, I would beat on myself until I had black and blue marks, I would cut my skin until there was blood, I have also burned objects into my flesh and I also binge eat to fill the voids in my
heart.
There are many different reasons that a person self-injurers, but for me most of the time it is because I felt as though I had been such a bad person and had made such horrible choices that I must pay the price, I must be punished. That is what has been programmed into my mind for many years. On occasion, I needed to feel alive or feel something other than the overwhelming hurt that I was drowning in.
I still struggle with the urges of cutting in an intense moment for it is an addiction and still fight with other self-injury mechanisms almost on a daily basis, but as I am learning who I am in Christ it is getting better! One of the very first Bible verses that I understood was: Isaiah 53:5, He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. Some days this is a reality, but there are still allot of days I have to dig for that mustard seed faith to stand on this promise. Some days I make it through and others days, as I am only human, I slip up and break down to the urges of self-injury. As I learn new healthy copping mechanisms and learn to fully trust God’s love, I believe that these urges will soon enough be behind me and I will finally have a victorious win all in the name of Jesus Christ and only for His glory!
Many people who self-injure keep it a secrete because they feel like they are crazy, insane and /or evil. They fear if they tell anyone, they might be locked away forever. The truth is, people who intentionally harm themselves are in fact very normal and sane people, who are in allot of emotional pain. They self-injure as a way to cope, because they were probably never taught how to deal with intense feelings and emotions in healthy ways. Unfortunately, when people hear about this form of self-harm, they do tend to place labels on these people as being psychotic and crazy, which is why so many people do not come forward and ask for help. Until society dispels all the myths surrounding self-injury and start to educate themselves on this subject, sufferers will continue to keep quiet and this form of abuse will continue to be a secrete for a long time to come.
I have been self-abusing for many, many years in many different ways. I was never allowed to express negative emotions in my home growing up and when I did I was punished through being grounded, being told that I was a bad person or even heavy handed spanking. This form of punishment for vocalizing my emotions has followed me through most of my adult life, through verbal and physical abusive relationships with men as well as my friends.
When facing an extreme negative situation, not knowing how to handle it, I would turn to self-abuse. As a child, I would make myself physically ill, or scratch at my skin until it bled. As I got older, I would beat on myself until I had black and blue marks, I would cut my skin until there was blood, I have also burned objects into my flesh and I also binge eat to fill the voids in my
heart.
There are many different reasons that a person self-injurers, but for me most of the time it is because I felt as though I had been such a bad person and had made such horrible choices that I must pay the price, I must be punished. That is what has been programmed into my mind for many years. On occasion, I needed to feel alive or feel something other than the overwhelming hurt that I was drowning in.
I still struggle with the urges of cutting in an intense moment for it is an addiction and still fight with other self-injury mechanisms almost on a daily basis, but as I am learning who I am in Christ it is getting better! One of the very first Bible verses that I understood was: Isaiah 53:5, He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. Some days this is a reality, but there are still allot of days I have to dig for that mustard seed faith to stand on this promise. Some days I make it through and others days, as I am only human, I slip up and break down to the urges of self-injury. As I learn new healthy copping mechanisms and learn to fully trust God’s love, I believe that these urges will soon enough be behind me and I will finally have a victorious win all in the name of Jesus Christ and only for His glory!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Self-Injury...part 1
In my next few posts I will be talking about self-injury; what it is, what it is not and I will also be sharing some of my own personal experiences and writings about self-injury.
Self-injury is an epidemic in the US with teens as well as adults, in the secular world and even with Christians. It is an issue that needs to come out of the dark and needs to be addressed; I am living proof of these statistics.
Self-injury is the act of attempting to alter a mood state to deliberately cause harm to one’s own body. This is not a conscious attempt at suicide, though some people may see it that way. Most self-abusers are not suicidal; they are looking for a way out from their pain.
Here are a few ways that people self-injure:
· Cutting, the most common form of self-injury. It is achieved with knives, broken glass, razor blades, scissors, paper clips or any other sharp object.
· Burning or branding an object into the flesh
· Picking at old wounds and not allowing them to heal
· Hair pulling
· Extreme nail biting
· Hitting or beating on ones self
· Excessive tattooing may also be a kind of self-injury if pain or stress is a factor.
It is not self-abuse if the primary purpose is: sexual pleasure, body decoration, fitting in or being cool!
There have been numerous reports that many people who self-injure have a history of sexual abuse, physical and/or emotional abuse. Some may come from broken homes, alcoholic homes, have emotionally absent parents or where never allowed to show negative feelings growing up. Most people who self-injure are unable to handle intense feelings and are unable to express their emotions verbally. This is a copping mechanism as a way to express ones feelings and emotions and sometimes a way to punish oneself. It can also be a survival tool for not committing suicide.
You may be wondering why someone would intentionally harm themselves. Self-injury can help someone relieve intense feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt and other deep emotional pain. Many people who cut themselves, do this in an attempt to try and release all the emotions they are feeling internally. Others feel so numb, that seeing their own blood helps them feel alive because they usually feel so dead inside. Some people find that dealing with physical pain is easier than dealing with emotional pain. Self-injury is also used as a way to punish oneself. Some people carry a tremendous amount of shame and guilt and find the need to be punished for what they have done or endured in their lives.
You may also ask, aren’t people who deliberately cut or burn themselves psychotic? No more than people who drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka are! It’s a coping mechanism, just not one that is as understandable to most people and as accepted by society as alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, anorexia, bulimia, smoking cigarettes and other forms of problem avoidance are.
Self-injurers come from all walks of life and all economic brackets. They can be male or female; gay, straight or bi-sexual; have Ph.D’s, high school students or high school drop outs; rich or poor and can come from any country in the world. Some people who self-injure manage to function effectively in demanding jobs. Their ages range from early teens to early 60’s, maybe older and younger. In fact, the incidence of self-injury is about the same as that of eating disorders, but because it’s so highly stigmatized, most people hide their scars, burns and bruises carefully.
We aren’t born knowing how to express and cope with our emotions. We learn from everyone in our lives. One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation! They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feeling about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren’t allowed; they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. You can’t learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. How could you learn to cook if you’d never seen anyone work in a kitchen?
Now that we know a little about what self-injury is, in my next post we’ll take a closer look at what happens in the mind of a self-abuser and how the body reacts. I will also share a bit of own personal attachment to this issue.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Price of Admission: one step at a time
This weekend has been like an adventure at a spiritual amusement park with lots of rides filled with twists and turns and lessons filling in the gaps that have left me breathless!
While rushing by faces that are unknown to me; some flash their worldly riches and some as poor as dirt, some carrying handfuls of bags from their favorite stores and another sits on the side of the road shaving her legs with all her personal belongings by her side. People rushing from here to there; some with no worries and others have the world on their shoulders. I wonder where I fit into all this.
Finally a familiar face in the crowd; an old friend I haven’t seen in awhile. As we stood in the hot blazing sun, talking, he opened his heart and shared some of the struggles that he still has. For the first time I saw his heart as God would see him. He has come such a long way in this past year. God showed me just how human we all are and it is ok to be just me! This old friend was like a little brother to me and I know in my heart none of that has changed. There may be distance between us while we figure out who we are but God’s love has been woven between us and we will remain bother and sister as we are both children of God.
Today had a different twist to it, another turn on this adventure. I got a small glimpse as to the new paved road that is being prepared for me. It was also proven that if I am willing to step out of my comfort-zone and open my heart that many great things can come of that! I chose to take a chance and open my heart to someone new today (Michelle), and I believe that through God I have made a new friend!
After a long weekend at this amazing amusement park it was finally time to rest and fuel the physical body. We chose a unique little place called Monsoon Burgers. It was very clean, and the food was great! But what was better than all that was I was somewhere where I belonged, I was with my church family. For me, it was more than simply sharing a meal and simple fellowship. Even though I don’t remember anyone officially praying over our meal, I believe Christ was at the center of the table sharing a burger and fries with us!
If you’ve never been to this amazing park, I recommend you check it out; it’s worth every step you’ll take. The biggest lesson I’ve learned, God never promised success only an adventure… and what an adventure this weekend has been!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Lazy Summer Days
What ever happened to lazy summer days? I remember a time when the summer meant lounging around a pool or a lake with friends and family, basking in laziness. Enjoying doing nothing! What ever happened to those days?
Now days the summer seems to be just as busy as any other time of year. We rush around doing this and doing that, going here or going there, people demanding our time for one reason or another. There seems to be an never ending mound of laundry and house cleaning that always needs to be caught up on and trying to figure out what’s for dinner on an evening when it’s 90 degrees out and no breeze in sight. What did happen to the lazy days of summer?
I happened to catch a lazy summer day today! After an unusually long weekend, I was given the opportunity to bask in a little laziness. It gave me time to reflect on what God was trying to show me this weekend. I came to the conclusion that not everyone will understand my choices or even agree with my views and that is ok because I am learning that a life with God doesn’t always make sense. As I basked in the beauty of this new revelation, I began to see how many doors of opportunity where beginning to open for my past to be used for His glory!
This lazy summer day has reminded me that we all need to bask in laziness once in awhile and reflect on the lessons that God tries to teach us. I know today, taking the time to let the world pass me by has filled my heart with gratitude. Gratitude that God has opened my eyes and heart as to what He is doing in my life. It has begun to bring Philippians 4, full circle. When was the last time you took a summer day just to be lazy? Time is running out; the summer is coming to an end.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
A New Beginning
I got a huge dose of reality tonight! I had the pleasure of going on an outing with a few members of my church family to hear a fabulous testimony, from a women from Australia, Bronwen Healy. It was in a familiar place; one which I use to call home. I saw allot of familiar faces and allot of new ones. Everything looked the same as it once did, and strangely enough it felt the same… nothing had changed! Or has it?
In this past week I have noticed a common thread on some of the blogs that I follow; friendships, reaching out to people who are falling through the cracks, fellowshipping and spreading God’s love in general. People can talk a good talk but it amazes me after all is said, how people just walk past others, even when knowing them, and are to caught up in their own lives or maybe because the other person doesn’t have what it takes to be part of their “click” and just passes them by like they are nothing. Sadly, I saw this tonight; I experienced it tonight. To read some of these blogs you would think these people are the most friendly and loving people, but in my prospective of what I saw and experienced was quite the opposite. People, I once knew, where friendly enough with their hellos but there body language and the look deep in their eyes told a very different story.
As I sat and listened to commentary for the evening, God showed me a view of reality that broke my heart. You see, just a few months back God placed me with a different church family. I trusted Him, so I thought. In the past few weeks, I have struggled with life and have fought trusting in this new family and thinking God made a mistake while still desperately missing my old familiar family. God clearly opened my eyes to truth; at least truth for me, that I am right where He wants me to be. He allowed me to feel the coldness, the eerie stillness of the air and showed me all the masks of betrayal and fakeness that many still wear.
As I sat there, a vision of an old warn rope braking, flashed in front of me. My heart broke and billions of tears fell from my eyes. The hurt was so painful and came from deep inside me; I wanted to scream! I knew that the time had come to cut the finale thread of the rope. Tonight I made the choice to say hello to goodbye.
Something has changed; me! This experience tonight has taught me allot about trusting God and where He puts me. It has also brought me to a different level on trusting my new church family as well as giving them a chance to allow them in my heart; I am home with my new church family. I have changed; I have grown and am now on a very different journey than the one I was on just a few months ago. I am heading towards a new beginning!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Philippians 4
I had a meeting last and was reminded that I (we) need to remember to always be grateful even in bad times. If your anything like me, being grateful and cheerful during a daunting time can be very difficult! And sometimes in these moments remembering what God has already blessed us with can be totally irrelevant. We read from Philippians 4:6,7,8 and 9 and this is what I got out of it.
I went into Philippians 4 and read the whole thing; someone once told me to not always take one or two verses and read just that, to read a bit before and after to get a bigger picture.
In the beginning of this it clearly states that God does not want His children to hold grudges against each other. We are to forgive each other. I know personally I have a bit of work a head of me on this one. It is hard to not hold a grudge with someone when they have deeply hurt you or betrayed you. But I also believe that if we don't try to control the situation and allow God to change our hearts we will be able to see the other person's heart.
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! This really opened my eyes as to what Jason and Susan (my pastors!) are all about. I have witnessed them both celebrate God everyday and in everything they do. And they both are making it clear that they are on my side and working with me and not against me! This was big for me when I read it!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. This part will take me time to learn the discipline that it takes before it becomes habit. It clearly is a battle in the mind! And it is about re-programming your mind; easier said than done…oops, did I just take control again??!!!
As for the rest, I do have allot to be grateful for. As I have said, I do have a roof over my head, I have plenty of food and don’t have to worry about going hungry, I have two of the best kids in the world… my dogs, I have a car that runs great, I have two of the most giving parents… even though there are strings attached, I have my own business… a life long dream, I have my health… which is a miracle in it’s self seeing how much I abuse it in every way possible, I have way more clothes than I need, I have nice things in my home, and best of all I have friends that truly care about me even when I can’t see it or except it they are still there for me! All of this is so easy to see and except when my thinking is clear! Oh I just thought of the most important thing I have over all this “stuff” is my salvation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess when I think about it on a heart level; I am very rich with blessings. Thank you for showing me this (Pastor Jason and Susan); as you know when I am in the negative for to long, I can get lost in a big pity party and all this great stuff goes out the window. And in away, I guess that is an insult to God for He has blessed me with all this stuff… wow! That was eye opening!
As I continue to ponder on this I believe I will be getting allot more out of this.
23Receive and experience the amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, deep, deep within yourselves.
I went into Philippians 4 and read the whole thing; someone once told me to not always take one or two verses and read just that, to read a bit before and after to get a bigger picture.
In the beginning of this it clearly states that God does not want His children to hold grudges against each other. We are to forgive each other. I know personally I have a bit of work a head of me on this one. It is hard to not hold a grudge with someone when they have deeply hurt you or betrayed you. But I also believe that if we don't try to control the situation and allow God to change our hearts we will be able to see the other person's heart.
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! This really opened my eyes as to what Jason and Susan (my pastors!) are all about. I have witnessed them both celebrate God everyday and in everything they do. And they both are making it clear that they are on my side and working with me and not against me! This was big for me when I read it!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. This part will take me time to learn the discipline that it takes before it becomes habit. It clearly is a battle in the mind! And it is about re-programming your mind; easier said than done…oops, did I just take control again??!!!
As for the rest, I do have allot to be grateful for. As I have said, I do have a roof over my head, I have plenty of food and don’t have to worry about going hungry, I have two of the best kids in the world… my dogs, I have a car that runs great, I have two of the most giving parents… even though there are strings attached, I have my own business… a life long dream, I have my health… which is a miracle in it’s self seeing how much I abuse it in every way possible, I have way more clothes than I need, I have nice things in my home, and best of all I have friends that truly care about me even when I can’t see it or except it they are still there for me! All of this is so easy to see and except when my thinking is clear! Oh I just thought of the most important thing I have over all this “stuff” is my salvation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess when I think about it on a heart level; I am very rich with blessings. Thank you for showing me this (Pastor Jason and Susan); as you know when I am in the negative for to long, I can get lost in a big pity party and all this great stuff goes out the window. And in away, I guess that is an insult to God for He has blessed me with all this stuff… wow! That was eye opening!
As I continue to ponder on this I believe I will be getting allot more out of this.
23Receive and experience the amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, deep, deep within yourselves.
Monday, August 18, 2008
BPD... Part 2
Symptoms:
These are the most common symptoms of bpd, there are many more symptoms and combinations of other disorders affiliated with bpd, in certain cases.
Everyone has problems with emotions and behaviors at times. But with a bpd, the problems are intensely severe, repeat over a long period of time and disrupt their life. They view themselves as fundamentally bad or unworthy; they may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty and have little idea who they are. This can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, jobs, friendships, gender identity and values. These symptoms may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone, especially when lacking in social support! Some of these common symptoms include:
· Intense emotions & mood swings
· Impulsive behaviors: substance abuse, binge eating, risky sex, impulsive shopping and self-injury
· Low self-worth
· A frantic fear of being alone (abandoned)
· Severe depression
· Loosing a sense of reality
· Rationalizing between false and real rejection
What Causes bpd?
People, who are faced with dealing with bpd, usually have endured some kind of childhood trauma such as physical and/or verbal abuse or neglect. People who develop bpd also have severe problems coping with anxiety or stress. Little more has been discovered at this time, as to what causes bpd.
Living with bpd can be a night-mare at times. It comes on like a vicious attack without warning. You can either slip off into a perfect lala-land where everything is grand or journey into a dark negative frame of mind where there is no light. There is no balance between the two; and at either end of the stick you are still left trying to rationalize reality.
You seem to always be defending your feelings and views, whether good or bad. And people are always telling you that you are in the extreme, black & white thinking; as though that changes anything. The negative, in the black, is the worst. For me it comes with allot of deep depression, confusion and sometimes anger. I can become so immobilized that I can’t get out of the house or even put a sentence together to ask for help. And it is quite scary when my thoughts trail into suicide, for I am not a suicidal person! It can become very lonely, because not allot of people understand and more don’t have the patience to help.
The very worst part of all this is when you try to reach out and people tell you it’s not that bad and dismiss it. Or they say things like: you’re choosing to stay in the negative; or you’re not trying hard enough. BPD is a real dysfunction that 3% of us live with on a daily basis. When people dismiss the hurt and pain that engulfs my world; it is as though they put no value to me as a person and my feelings and views are lower yet. It makes me feel as though there is something toxically wrong with me. And when I scream for help, I am serious about needing help but can’t always rationalize how to get the help!
I know that people who suffer with bpd can be a handful to have to deal with. We are people that will sit on your last nerve and try to push you away, but mean no harm and desperately want you to stay! If you know someone like me, but don’t fully understand bpd, I urge you to do your homework. There are many great websites with valuable information for you to learn from. When someone, like me, is reaching out in an out-of-the-box way, don’t let the screams fall upon deaf ears… reach back, if only to be there to give a hug or just to listen. When you recognize dangerous signs do what you have to do to help, the person may be blinded as to how to help themselves and you might just save a life! And if you are someone who has bpd, please know that you are not alone.
These are the most common symptoms of bpd, there are many more symptoms and combinations of other disorders affiliated with bpd, in certain cases.
Everyone has problems with emotions and behaviors at times. But with a bpd, the problems are intensely severe, repeat over a long period of time and disrupt their life. They view themselves as fundamentally bad or unworthy; they may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty and have little idea who they are. This can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, jobs, friendships, gender identity and values. These symptoms may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone, especially when lacking in social support! Some of these common symptoms include:
· Intense emotions & mood swings
· Impulsive behaviors: substance abuse, binge eating, risky sex, impulsive shopping and self-injury
· Low self-worth
· A frantic fear of being alone (abandoned)
· Severe depression
· Loosing a sense of reality
· Rationalizing between false and real rejection
What Causes bpd?
People, who are faced with dealing with bpd, usually have endured some kind of childhood trauma such as physical and/or verbal abuse or neglect. People who develop bpd also have severe problems coping with anxiety or stress. Little more has been discovered at this time, as to what causes bpd.
Living with bpd can be a night-mare at times. It comes on like a vicious attack without warning. You can either slip off into a perfect lala-land where everything is grand or journey into a dark negative frame of mind where there is no light. There is no balance between the two; and at either end of the stick you are still left trying to rationalize reality.
You seem to always be defending your feelings and views, whether good or bad. And people are always telling you that you are in the extreme, black & white thinking; as though that changes anything. The negative, in the black, is the worst. For me it comes with allot of deep depression, confusion and sometimes anger. I can become so immobilized that I can’t get out of the house or even put a sentence together to ask for help. And it is quite scary when my thoughts trail into suicide, for I am not a suicidal person! It can become very lonely, because not allot of people understand and more don’t have the patience to help.
The very worst part of all this is when you try to reach out and people tell you it’s not that bad and dismiss it. Or they say things like: you’re choosing to stay in the negative; or you’re not trying hard enough. BPD is a real dysfunction that 3% of us live with on a daily basis. When people dismiss the hurt and pain that engulfs my world; it is as though they put no value to me as a person and my feelings and views are lower yet. It makes me feel as though there is something toxically wrong with me. And when I scream for help, I am serious about needing help but can’t always rationalize how to get the help!
I know that people who suffer with bpd can be a handful to have to deal with. We are people that will sit on your last nerve and try to push you away, but mean no harm and desperately want you to stay! If you know someone like me, but don’t fully understand bpd, I urge you to do your homework. There are many great websites with valuable information for you to learn from. When someone, like me, is reaching out in an out-of-the-box way, don’t let the screams fall upon deaf ears… reach back, if only to be there to give a hug or just to listen. When you recognize dangerous signs do what you have to do to help, the person may be blinded as to how to help themselves and you might just save a life! And if you are someone who has bpd, please know that you are not alone.
Life's Masquerade Party...
Is this a party that you will attend? All of the “in crowd" will be there; the popular and even not so popular. It’s said that the décor of the party will be way more than your wildest imagination can dream up! There will be plenty of party favors and prizes for the best and most outrages masks that exist. Live music with the biggest dance floor you’ve ever seen. Venders from all over the world will have handmade masks for sale for those who come with none or need more. It’s been said it’s a party of a life time, one not to be missed.
If attending, you’ll be sure to get your fill of lies and deceit. There will be games of illusions and mystical mirages that are sure to leave you in a world of confusion. Don’t forget to grab an extra gift box filled with empty dreams and meaningless words. Be sure to check out the extreme sports area; it’s sure to leave you breathless while the rug is being pulled out from under you! This party also has the most fantastic maze you’ll ever walk through; twits of frustration and turns of disappointments that will fill you to capacity with worthlessness and uselessness. There will also be plenty of back-stabbing to go around so no need to get pushy. With all the glitz and glamour of this party, you’ll be sure to leave feeling nothing less than shame and guilt as you carry out the many prizes of rejection and abandonment to sit so proudly on your shelves.
WARRNING: Once at this party, it’s difficult to find your way out, the exit doors mysteriously disappear. The masks are made with a special bonding solution and do much damage when removed. There are a limited amount of rescue missions if you meet the requirements and are lucky enough to fit into their box! But no need to worry, if you don’t meet the requirements and are left to fend for yourself, the party will become a life time of a masquerade ball with all the embellishments that deceit can carry.
Are you going to R.S.V.P for life’s masquerade party?
If attending, you’ll be sure to get your fill of lies and deceit. There will be games of illusions and mystical mirages that are sure to leave you in a world of confusion. Don’t forget to grab an extra gift box filled with empty dreams and meaningless words. Be sure to check out the extreme sports area; it’s sure to leave you breathless while the rug is being pulled out from under you! This party also has the most fantastic maze you’ll ever walk through; twits of frustration and turns of disappointments that will fill you to capacity with worthlessness and uselessness. There will also be plenty of back-stabbing to go around so no need to get pushy. With all the glitz and glamour of this party, you’ll be sure to leave feeling nothing less than shame and guilt as you carry out the many prizes of rejection and abandonment to sit so proudly on your shelves.
WARRNING: Once at this party, it’s difficult to find your way out, the exit doors mysteriously disappear. The masks are made with a special bonding solution and do much damage when removed. There are a limited amount of rescue missions if you meet the requirements and are lucky enough to fit into their box! But no need to worry, if you don’t meet the requirements and are left to fend for yourself, the party will become a life time of a masquerade ball with all the embellishments that deceit can carry.
Are you going to R.S.V.P for life’s masquerade party?
Friday, August 15, 2008
First Volunteer Meeting!!!
As some of you know, I am involved with an awesome ministry called Mercy Ministries. It is a home where girls between the ages of 13 and 28 can go and get their hurts, habits and hang-ups healed through the love of Christ. They have 3 homes in the United States housing a total of 90 young women at this time. The newest home will be in our back yard in Lincoln. The home will house 40 girls and there are more to be open in the next few years, throughout the United States. If you have never heard of them, check out their website, located at the right side of my blog under favorite links.
It was a crazy time trying to get to the meeting. I was running late but what else is new with me. I took “business” 80 when I should have taken interstate 80. Time was running short and needless to say it was a wild hair rising ride, in and out of traffic. I am sure my blood pressure hit the roof! This was a very important meeting for me, for my heart and soul is 100% with Mercy. These girls are my story. My heart was pounding, I was nervous and excited beyond words. I have been waiting over a year for this. Then I finally arrived, 15 minutes late, got lost inside this gigantic church and wondered if I would ever connect with this group of volunteers. And at last, I could breathe, there they were!! I joined the group as Selah, director of development, was sharing about the new home and what all is to come. It was a great meeting with a group of wonderful women who have a heart for these girls, as well. It was great to finally meet with Selah; we have talked on the phone a few times and shared a few emails. I will be visiting the girls at least once a month sharing tips on keeping their skin clear, basic hygiene habits, how to dress in style but keeping it modest and how to see the inner beauty God gave them. I also have a “stuffed-animal” ministry; each girl will have her own stuffed-animal to be her friend in the beginning of a scary journey. I had the best time picking out 40 different animals for each of the girls!!!
I won’t give out all the surprises in this post, but will let you know that on Tuesday September 9th, there is going to be a big prayer meeting over the home and the 700 girls that are on a waiting list. If you would like to come join us in Lincoln that night let me know and I will give you more details, but if you can’t make it please mark the date on your calendar and remember these girls and this home in your prayers that day!
It was a crazy time trying to get to the meeting. I was running late but what else is new with me. I took “business” 80 when I should have taken interstate 80. Time was running short and needless to say it was a wild hair rising ride, in and out of traffic. I am sure my blood pressure hit the roof! This was a very important meeting for me, for my heart and soul is 100% with Mercy. These girls are my story. My heart was pounding, I was nervous and excited beyond words. I have been waiting over a year for this. Then I finally arrived, 15 minutes late, got lost inside this gigantic church and wondered if I would ever connect with this group of volunteers. And at last, I could breathe, there they were!! I joined the group as Selah, director of development, was sharing about the new home and what all is to come. It was a great meeting with a group of wonderful women who have a heart for these girls, as well. It was great to finally meet with Selah; we have talked on the phone a few times and shared a few emails. I will be visiting the girls at least once a month sharing tips on keeping their skin clear, basic hygiene habits, how to dress in style but keeping it modest and how to see the inner beauty God gave them. I also have a “stuffed-animal” ministry; each girl will have her own stuffed-animal to be her friend in the beginning of a scary journey. I had the best time picking out 40 different animals for each of the girls!!!
I won’t give out all the surprises in this post, but will let you know that on Tuesday September 9th, there is going to be a big prayer meeting over the home and the 700 girls that are on a waiting list. If you would like to come join us in Lincoln that night let me know and I will give you more details, but if you can’t make it please mark the date on your calendar and remember these girls and this home in your prayers that day!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Night Owl ~
My room is filled with the night silence; I can hear the freeway traffic from a distance. As I look at the time on the clock the ticking of the hands get louder as they echo in my head. I toss and turn trying to get comfortable, I am unsuccessful. Thoughts of the chores that lay in the days ahead fill my mind with a tangled web. I give up; I’ll fight this fight no more!
As I sit in the dark, I wonder what it is that God wants me to do. Does He have me awake for a reason? I try to find a hidden message in His word, but nothing is making much sense in the wee hours of this day. I try to pray but only find my mind is too cluttered with the stress that has me overwhelmed.
I am as child, needing to be safely nestled in my Father’s arms. Wrapped securely in His warm embrace, while engulfed in a love that surpasses my wildest imagination! Tenderly telling me stories as only He can and making all the stresses of life disappear. Wanting to ask a million questions, but nothing seems to come to mind. I am strangely soothed by the hush in the room, my eyes are finally heavy and I am in a comfort beyond words. As the day-light breaks through the night sky, I am gently rocked into a sound slumber sleep!
Finally, the end of a long exhausting day…
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
BPD; Borderline Personality Disorder
What is it? In the next few post I will be discussing what this disorder is, some of its symptoms and what it is like to live with bpd through my eyes and experiences. I am by no means a doctor or professional authority on this and if you recognize any of these symptoms or issues in your own life, please consult with your own doctor for a proper diagnosis. This is solely to help my friends to understand what this disorder is and what I personally deal with.
BPD is a disturbance of certain brain functions affecting the limbic system that controls emotions. Many people with bpd also deal with depression, severe mood swings, eating disorders and allot of times substance abuse as a means of trying to feel better or disconnect from their pain. Underneath all these symptoms is an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to rationalize; an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression.
Another area that bpd’s have great difficulties with is one’s self: “who am I?” It’s like a light switch being turned on and off with no warning: “one minute I have confidence and clarity and can accomplish much – the next minute I can’t do anything right to save my life and everyone is against me.” The one word that best characterizes the borderline condition is “instability” Their emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly for no discernible reason. Their thinking is unstable; rational and clear at times, and quite psychotic at other times.
There is a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, called “splitting.”
Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:
The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.
Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other.
Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently.
I have lived with this black and white thinking most of my adult life. At times it can be a living night-mare, especially when reaching out for help and comfort and others don’t understand where the gray area is in my prospective. In these moments, I can not rationalize the simplest of things to save my life. In the hidden spots of my heart I find hope in the fact the God will carry me through, for I can’t reach out myself, until I am able to see His bright light once again.
My First Step...Out
This is the first of many posts about the journey that I am on in life. This blog acts as an on-line journal for me to express myself and the struggles that are as road blocks sometimes blocking my journey. In this blog I hope to discover myself the way God sees me and the purpose He has for my life; in addition to maybe helping others with the same struggles along the way.
Here is the short version of my story. I was raised as a good little Christian girl, learning nothing more than religious rules. I became very rebellious by the time I reached my teens which followed me through adulthood. It’s always been about me and controlling my own life, which for me means freedom.
In this so called freedom, has come with allot of distortions. I have been in and out of so many physical and verbal abusive relationships, I have lost count. I have allowed people to manipulate me just to get their approval for so long; I am not sure what a normal healthy relationship looks like.
I struggle with bpd (borderline personality disorder), which is black and white thinking. All negative or all positive, there is no gray area in my thinking. I also deal with deep periods of depression which are brought on by the bpd at times. My escape, my copping mechanism is self injury. And tangled up with all this is the fact that I have been involved with witchcraft and new age beliefs.
After a very long year of struggling I finally turned my life over to Christ, as of October of 2007 with the support of two wonderful and important people by my side! I have come along way but still have such a long way to go. I have allot more good days than I have in a long time but still struggle with things that are very confusing to me.
Journaling has always helped me put things into perspective and has been a great way for me to communicate my emotions when I couldn’t verbally speak them. Even though, this is a somewhat new journey for me, I feel as though I am at a cross road. I definitely have the beginning of my testimony and I am moving towards the end of my testimony but seem too be stuck in the middle of this journey. Through these future posts, I will be sharing at least once a week the good, the bad and everything in the middle. I will be sharing what it is like to live with bpd and depression as well as my struggles with self injury as a Christian. I will also be sharing my growth in and with my King of Kings, Jesus Christ!
My prayer is that I do find the person God made me to be as well as helping others with their own personal struggles to know that they are not alone. And if you are someone who knows someone with any of these struggles, maybe it will help you better to help understand them. Please feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I hope that you will take this journey with me…
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