My First Step...Out

This is the first of many posts about the journey that I am on in life. This blog acts as an on-line journal for me to express myself and the struggles that are as road blocks sometimes blocking my journey. In this blog I hope to discover myself the way God sees me and the purpose He has for my life; in addition to maybe helping others with the same struggles along the way.

Here is the short version of my story. I was raised as a good little Christian girl, learning nothing more than religious rules. I became very rebellious by the time I reached my teens which followed me through adulthood. It’s always been about me and controlling my own life, which for me means freedom.

In this so called freedom, has come with allot of distortions. I have been in and out of so many physical and verbal abusive relationships, I have lost count. I have allowed people to manipulate me just to get their approval for so long; I am not sure what a normal healthy relationship looks like.

I struggle with bpd (borderline personality disorder), which is black and white thinking. All negative or all positive, there is no gray area in my thinking. I also deal with deep periods of depression which are brought on by the bpd at times. My escape, my copping mechanism is self injury. And tangled up with all this is the fact that I have been involved with witchcraft and new age beliefs.

After a very long year of struggling I finally turned my life over to Christ, as of October of 2007 with the support of two wonderful and important people by my side! I have come along way but still have such a long way to go. I have allot more good days than I have in a long time but still struggle with things that are very confusing to me.

Journaling has always helped me put things into perspective and has been a great way for me to communicate my emotions when I couldn’t verbally speak them. Even though, this is a somewhat new journey for me, I feel as though I am at a cross road. I definitely have the beginning of my testimony and I am moving towards the end of my testimony but seem too be stuck in the middle of this journey. Through these future posts, I will be sharing at least once a week the good, the bad and everything in the middle. I will be sharing what it is like to live with bpd and depression as well as my struggles with self injury as a Christian. I will also be sharing my growth in and with my King of Kings, Jesus Christ!

My prayer is that I do find the person God made me to be as well as helping others with their own personal struggles to know that they are not alone. And if you are someone who knows someone with any of these struggles, maybe it will help you better to help understand them. Please feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I hope that you will take this journey with me…