BPD; Borderline Personality Disorder

What is it? In the next few post I will be discussing what this disorder is, some of its symptoms and what it is like to live with bpd through my eyes and experiences. I am by no means a doctor or professional authority on this and if you recognize any of these symptoms or issues in your own life, please consult with your own doctor for a proper diagnosis. This is solely to help my friends to understand what this disorder is and what I personally deal with.

BPD is a disturbance of certain brain functions affecting the limbic system that controls emotions. Many people with bpd also deal with depression, severe mood swings, eating disorders and allot of times substance abuse as a means of trying to feel better or disconnect from their pain. Underneath all these symptoms is an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to rationalize; an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression.

Another area that bpd’s have great difficulties with is one’s self: “who am I?” It’s like a light switch being turned on and off with no warning: “one minute I have confidence and clarity and can accomplish much – the next minute I can’t do anything right to save my life and everyone is against me.” The one word that best characterizes the borderline condition is “instability” Their emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly for no discernible reason. Their thinking is unstable; rational and clear at times, and quite psychotic at other times.

There is a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, called “splitting.”

Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:

The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.

Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other.

Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently.

I have lived with this black and white thinking most of my adult life. At times it can be a living night-mare, especially when reaching out for help and comfort and others don’t understand where the gray area is in my prospective. In these moments, I can not rationalize the simplest of things to save my life. In the hidden spots of my heart I find hope in the fact the God will carry me through, for I can’t reach out myself, until I am able to see His bright light once again.